Post by trixie on Aug 3, 2007 18:10:56 GMT -5
I’m giving this a shot. But someone (or everyone) will probably want to shoot me after reading this.
My apologies to you all. Really. I’m sorry. Really sorry. I AM SO VERY SORRY…
Mauvelee and her head bandage (provided by Johnson & Johnson) are sitting on the beach composing a sorry letter to Kendall. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m really, really sorry. I just can’t tell you how sorry I am. I mean I’m totally sorry. Really. Sorry. I’m. Just. O.MY.GAWD. So. Sorry. ”
Cue Chicago’s Hard To Say I’m Sorry. Especially when I’m really not. Followed by “I Am Stuck on Band-Aids, ‘Cause Band-Aid's Stuck On Me.”
Dr. Joe’s eyebrows (Played by the late Groucho Marx) enter the hospital room. Dr. Joe shortly follows and says he’s afraid Spike won’t be leaving today. He’s also afraid his Eyebrows will become the star of a new horror movie starring the late Vincent Price.
Spike learns his first multisyllabic word as he looks at Dr. Joe and mouths the word “caterpillar”. Luckily Spike can’t spell yet, or I’d be in big trouble.
Ryan’s eyes (provided by Bausch & Lomb as advertised by the late Bette Davis) tell Spike (as portrayed by Fido filling in for Rin Tin Tin) about the basketball hoop and all the free throws Spike will make. Spike drinks out of his sippy cup and thinks, Dammit! I wanted this shaken NOT STIRRED. Stupid Bitches.” And then he gazes off and imagines moving to Malibu and becoming a professional volleyball player. “Hey, I already have the perfect name.”
Kendall and Zack – Kendall weeps. Can’t help her babies. Zack suggests a walk. Kendall can’t go. Zack suggests more coffee as that always seems to help him.
OPENING CREDITS
Mauvelee and her Band-Aid continue their real sorry letter. “Who was I? The girl in the mirror is a stranger. (Um, yeah. No Shit, Sherlock) How did my hair get so blond? How did I get so tall? Why do I speak like a Valley Girl?” Cue Frank and Moon Unit Zappa.
Zack and Kendall – Kendall asks how she can enjoy chirping birds? Zack says, Does the name “Babe” mean anything to you?
Zack – kids are on the mend.
Kendall – WAH WAH WAH I’m a bad mother YADA YADA YADA
Zack – BLAH BLAH BLAH
Trixie – ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Dr. Joe’s eyebrows tell Ryan’s contacts that they probably won’t have to remove Spike’s spleen. Ryan is happy when he realizes how close Spike was to not able to vent his once he is SORASed.
Dr. Joe’s eyebrows indicate that Spike will probably stay a week. Spike wonders if he will get a shaving kit since in a week he will probably be 19. Cue "Hey Nineteen".
Annie’s lips (portrayed by Priscilla Presley) enter the room. She opens the window and LO AND BEHOLD! There is Emma with a “Why did Mauvelee Steal My Crayons?” sign.
Ryan waves and Emma waves back but thinks “When the heck can I and Spike hook up?” Cue We Gotta Get Out of This Place.
Ava, Jack and Derrick – Derrick says “If you’re in trouble, we will be right on it.”
This makes Ava nervous. I wonder why.
Commercial
Derrick says “You don’t know how many cases we get where kids are dead from drugs.” Lilly is off-screen counting to three hundred billion, one hundred million and three. Derrick looks confused because he doesn’t know either.
Cue The Pusher Man.
More Derrick, Jackson and Ava – Lenny’s onto them. But wishes his name were Vinnie.
Emma, Ryan and Annie’s lips have a picnic in the hospital (brought to you by JELLO). Emma has a drawing for Spike (it’s NOT A CLOWN!) and Ryan tells her she went outside the lines and Spike won’t like that. So Emma asks if Spike is ever coming home and that she’s going to be the next Dakota Fanning.
Ryan then says, “Well, in that case, I am Sam.”
Yikes, More Zendall and Zack. Kendall – WAH, WAH, WAH Ian and Spike or Spike and Ian? Plinkey piano music plays as Zack says he won’t bury another son. I’m refraining from making any tasteless jokes that would involve Tad. It’s not easy. But I’m trying.
Commercial
Ava, Derrick and Jack – More Lenny stuff.
Derrick – Are we doing this or not? Tells Ava to do what he says and it will be over in a minute. Hey, isn’t that what he told Krystal?
He says the bills are marked. Why yes, they are. And very indiscreetly. THESE BILLS ARE MARKED is written right above “In God We Trust” in bright Fuschia crayon. Lenny will never suspect a thing.
Now Lenny and Ava are on the beach IN BROAD DAYLIGHT in a place that shouldn’t even have a beach.
Cue Surfer Girl. Or Super Freak. Or Super Freaky Surfer Girl.
Ryan, Annie’s Lips and Emma – Emma asks why Spike got sick
Ryan says it was an accident – Megan McTrashit’s firing was too late to save this storyline.
Emma asks if Spike is going to live in heaven. And that Spike isn’t getting better because of the doctors.
Ryan says “You got that right, kid!”
Dr. Joe’s eyebrows furrow in contemplation.
Mauvelee stomps into Spike’s room. Spike sees her and thinks “Who IS THIS chick?”
Mauvelee rambles on and on that Spike is the only one she can talk to.
Spike reads her lips and thinks, “Well, no shit. I CAN’T HEAR HER. Thank goodness. What’s she running her mouth off about now? Oh, right. She’s sorry. Lawd, she’s sorry some more. And now she’s really sorry. Hey, if she stayed my mother, I could be Spikelee. How cool would THAT be?”
Spike realizes that he needs Closed Caption TV but decides, “Naw. I’d rather not know what anyone is blabbering about.”
Kendall tells Zack she’s sorry.
Zack consoles her some more. The kids are alright.
Blah, blah and more blah.
Trixie falls asleep but wakes up when Kendall and Zack roll by Ryan, Annie’s Lips and Emma’s room and make the frowning face of disappointment to convey that they are resentful that I didn’t quote their whole conversation in this Not-So-Live-Post.
Ava and Lenny – Lenny looks for wire and Derrick says “Get ready to move”. Jackson says okay and he and Derrick immediately haul their butts to the local Dunkin’ Donuts (provided by Elana).
Kendall walks in on Mauvelee still babbling to an extremely bored Spike and a BIG CRASH occurs while Spike mildly looks on and hums Jumpin’ Jack Flash to himself.
Zack comes in and says there’s something wrong with Spike.
Spike thinks, “Hey, he’s right! I shoulda been humming Honky Tonk Woman!”
Commercial
Previews:
Derrick has a gun. The NRA sends him a “Cancelled” notice.
Adam asks Erica if she’s Zack’s guard dog. She says no but promptly bites him on the ankle.
Kendall and Zack ask Dr. Joe’s eyebrows what’s wrong with Spike.
That’s it. It’s, well, yes, it’s bad. And in the immortal words of Mauvelee, I’m really sorry.
My apologies to you all. Really. I’m sorry. Really sorry. I AM SO VERY SORRY…
Mauvelee and her head bandage (provided by Johnson & Johnson) are sitting on the beach composing a sorry letter to Kendall. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m really, really sorry. I just can’t tell you how sorry I am. I mean I’m totally sorry. Really. Sorry. I’m. Just. O.MY.GAWD. So. Sorry. ”
Cue Chicago’s Hard To Say I’m Sorry. Especially when I’m really not. Followed by “I Am Stuck on Band-Aids, ‘Cause Band-Aid's Stuck On Me.”
Dr. Joe’s eyebrows (Played by the late Groucho Marx) enter the hospital room. Dr. Joe shortly follows and says he’s afraid Spike won’t be leaving today. He’s also afraid his Eyebrows will become the star of a new horror movie starring the late Vincent Price.
Spike learns his first multisyllabic word as he looks at Dr. Joe and mouths the word “caterpillar”. Luckily Spike can’t spell yet, or I’d be in big trouble.
Ryan’s eyes (provided by Bausch & Lomb as advertised by the late Bette Davis) tell Spike (as portrayed by Fido filling in for Rin Tin Tin) about the basketball hoop and all the free throws Spike will make. Spike drinks out of his sippy cup and thinks, Dammit! I wanted this shaken NOT STIRRED. Stupid Bitches.” And then he gazes off and imagines moving to Malibu and becoming a professional volleyball player. “Hey, I already have the perfect name.”
Kendall and Zack – Kendall weeps. Can’t help her babies. Zack suggests a walk. Kendall can’t go. Zack suggests more coffee as that always seems to help him.
OPENING CREDITS
Mauvelee and her Band-Aid continue their real sorry letter. “Who was I? The girl in the mirror is a stranger. (Um, yeah. No Shit, Sherlock) How did my hair get so blond? How did I get so tall? Why do I speak like a Valley Girl?” Cue Frank and Moon Unit Zappa.
Zack and Kendall – Kendall asks how she can enjoy chirping birds? Zack says, Does the name “Babe” mean anything to you?
Zack – kids are on the mend.
Kendall – WAH WAH WAH I’m a bad mother YADA YADA YADA
Zack – BLAH BLAH BLAH
Trixie – ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Dr. Joe’s eyebrows tell Ryan’s contacts that they probably won’t have to remove Spike’s spleen. Ryan is happy when he realizes how close Spike was to not able to vent his once he is SORASed.
Dr. Joe’s eyebrows indicate that Spike will probably stay a week. Spike wonders if he will get a shaving kit since in a week he will probably be 19. Cue "Hey Nineteen".
Annie’s lips (portrayed by Priscilla Presley) enter the room. She opens the window and LO AND BEHOLD! There is Emma with a “Why did Mauvelee Steal My Crayons?” sign.
Ryan waves and Emma waves back but thinks “When the heck can I and Spike hook up?” Cue We Gotta Get Out of This Place.
Ava, Jack and Derrick – Derrick says “If you’re in trouble, we will be right on it.”
This makes Ava nervous. I wonder why.
Commercial
Derrick says “You don’t know how many cases we get where kids are dead from drugs.” Lilly is off-screen counting to three hundred billion, one hundred million and three. Derrick looks confused because he doesn’t know either.
Cue The Pusher Man.
More Derrick, Jackson and Ava – Lenny’s onto them. But wishes his name were Vinnie.
Emma, Ryan and Annie’s lips have a picnic in the hospital (brought to you by JELLO). Emma has a drawing for Spike (it’s NOT A CLOWN!) and Ryan tells her she went outside the lines and Spike won’t like that. So Emma asks if Spike is ever coming home and that she’s going to be the next Dakota Fanning.
Ryan then says, “Well, in that case, I am Sam.”
Yikes, More Zendall and Zack. Kendall – WAH, WAH, WAH Ian and Spike or Spike and Ian? Plinkey piano music plays as Zack says he won’t bury another son. I’m refraining from making any tasteless jokes that would involve Tad. It’s not easy. But I’m trying.
Commercial
Ava, Derrick and Jack – More Lenny stuff.
Derrick – Are we doing this or not? Tells Ava to do what he says and it will be over in a minute. Hey, isn’t that what he told Krystal?
He says the bills are marked. Why yes, they are. And very indiscreetly. THESE BILLS ARE MARKED is written right above “In God We Trust” in bright Fuschia crayon. Lenny will never suspect a thing.
Now Lenny and Ava are on the beach IN BROAD DAYLIGHT in a place that shouldn’t even have a beach.
Cue Surfer Girl. Or Super Freak. Or Super Freaky Surfer Girl.
Ryan, Annie’s Lips and Emma – Emma asks why Spike got sick
Ryan says it was an accident – Megan McTrashit’s firing was too late to save this storyline.
Emma asks if Spike is going to live in heaven. And that Spike isn’t getting better because of the doctors.
Ryan says “You got that right, kid!”
Dr. Joe’s eyebrows furrow in contemplation.
Mauvelee stomps into Spike’s room. Spike sees her and thinks “Who IS THIS chick?”
Mauvelee rambles on and on that Spike is the only one she can talk to.
Spike reads her lips and thinks, “Well, no shit. I CAN’T HEAR HER. Thank goodness. What’s she running her mouth off about now? Oh, right. She’s sorry. Lawd, she’s sorry some more. And now she’s really sorry. Hey, if she stayed my mother, I could be Spikelee. How cool would THAT be?”
Spike realizes that he needs Closed Caption TV but decides, “Naw. I’d rather not know what anyone is blabbering about.”
Kendall tells Zack she’s sorry.
Zack consoles her some more. The kids are alright.
Blah, blah and more blah.
Trixie falls asleep but wakes up when Kendall and Zack roll by Ryan, Annie’s Lips and Emma’s room and make the frowning face of disappointment to convey that they are resentful that I didn’t quote their whole conversation in this Not-So-Live-Post.
Ava and Lenny – Lenny looks for wire and Derrick says “Get ready to move”. Jackson says okay and he and Derrick immediately haul their butts to the local Dunkin’ Donuts (provided by Elana).
Kendall walks in on Mauvelee still babbling to an extremely bored Spike and a BIG CRASH occurs while Spike mildly looks on and hums Jumpin’ Jack Flash to himself.
Zack comes in and says there’s something wrong with Spike.
Spike thinks, “Hey, he’s right! I shoulda been humming Honky Tonk Woman!”
Commercial
Previews:
Derrick has a gun. The NRA sends him a “Cancelled” notice.
Adam asks Erica if she’s Zack’s guard dog. She says no but promptly bites him on the ankle.
Kendall and Zack ask Dr. Joe’s eyebrows what’s wrong with Spike.
That’s it. It’s, well, yes, it’s bad. And in the immortal words of Mauvelee, I’m really sorry.