Post by trixie on Sept 5, 2007 18:38:26 GMT -5
I really didn't know where to put this, or really if I even should put this anywhere, but here it is anyway. It's my procrastination post because I really should be trimming my toe-nails, cleaning the toilet and checking for nose and underarm grooming. But I'll save the fun stuff for later.
After arresting himself as the last person left in Llanview as a suspect in the Spencer Truman murder case, John “The Rain In Spain Falls ALWAYS On” McBain courageously breaks out of Llanview Prison (he threw the guard a Canolli) and quickly bumbles on over to Pine Valley for more suspects.
After he checks in at The Pine Cone Lodge, John goes against the McGrain and checks his notebook in case he actually wrote something down.
“Um, yeah, okay. Jonathon Lavery. He looks good shirtless. I mean He looks good naked, I mean he looks good as a suspect. Although he’s no David Hayward, I mean Truman. Buchanan, What the hell ever”.
John shuffles off to Wildwind, steps up to the door, sticks a wad of gum in his mouth, shuffles his feet, bows his head, puts his hands on his hips, does the Hokey-Pokey and rings the doorbell.
No one answers.
No one has ever heard that sound before and everyone’s busy looking in closets and under sinks to see where this strange sound is coming from.
Jamie checks the toilet. He jiggles the handle and the strange sound is heard again.
Julia finally figures it out. “I heard that sound about nine years ago. It was the WPA coming to take me away then, but it’s probably just the Fuller Brush Man.
Jonathon smirks and mentions that the whole Fuller Brush Man-thing died out years ago as he strategically hides a lint brush behind his back.
Jonathon answers the door.
John “I’m Really In Deep” McBain says “Jonathon Lavery? You are under arrest for the murder of one Spencer Truman, who still won’t leave the show and continues to haunt and taunt me by drinking all my beer and making fun of my daddy.”
Jonathon: “What makes you think I did it?”
John: “Well, you have dead daddy issues, too. And although your dad beat the snot out of you, my da won’t leave me the hell alone. Heck, now he’s even a priest. Plus, you had a brain tumor. A tumor is a good reason to commit murder. I only have problems with irregularity.”
Jonathon: “Well, Metamucil is good I hear. But you forgot to mention that I also held several women captive in a cave with a corpse being played by the actor who was supposed to be my dead brother.”
John: “Oh, yeah, he’s under arrest, too. And what about this Edmond Gray guy?”
Jonathon: “Well, he’s dead now. Just a small misunderstanding. I meant to use a hoe. Say, why don’t you come in and I’ll have one of the stupid bitches around here make you a sandwich.”
John takes out his notebook and checks Jonathon off the list. “No use arresting someone that actually kills people.”
Next up for John “You’re So” McVain: Ryan Lavery.
John sees there are many addresses listed for Ryan so he crosses him off the list as his feet are killing him.
Annie Greensprings Lavery is his next suspect:
John “I’m Merely Focused Not Insane” McBane again rings the doorbell.
Annie, via Spike’s hand signals realizes that strange sound is coming from the front door. She answers it as…
John looks up from staring at his feet and promptly places her under arrest.
Annie: “What are the charges?”
John: The murder of Spencer Truman while impersonating Old Greenlee But Who Looks More Like New Greenlee while wielding scissors and starting a commune without a license. ALSO, you were wearing a red and white horizontal-striped sweater in your nightmare on the plane today. That’s even a worse offense than Babe’s Condom Blouse.
Annie is cuffed. But she realizes she kind of likes it.
Okay, now onto the following suspects:
Aiden and Jackson: For Jackson thanking Aiden for being Greenlee’s friend because she really needs one now. Aiden “Well, I needed a Sheila, and Jack’s a Bobcat, there she was.” Jackson: “Yeah, well, what I want to say is, well, thanks for boinking her.”
Aiden: “No problem mate. What are friends for?”
Also, they struck Spence with great force and penetration. I had to say that somewhere.
KWAK: For scissoring Spencer while being named KWAK and calling her daughter “Baby Dawl” and castrating Adam with a blunt instrument.
Babe: For killing Spencer while being named “Babe”, letting her Momma call her “Baby Dawl”, having sex in a kiddie pool and worst of all, for being recast so that now she’ll never go away.
Zach: For slashing Spencer while still being able to maintain a morose and enigmatic manner without once putting his hands on his hips. This makes John make a “Will Fry For This” drawing in his datebook next to Zach’s name. It’s a picture of Colonel Sanders smirking.
Kendall: For saying to Zach that Spike will be made fun of for wearing something OUTSIDE HIS HEAD. This obviously includes hats. At least no one will make fun of him because of his name.
JR: For killing Spencer with scissors while not using them on his own hair first.
Jamie: For killing Spencer while wearing a Safari Hat
Tad: For stabbing Spencer and not giving him a proper burial
Josh: For stabbing Spencer because Spence didn’t perform the miracle unabortion so that Spencer could have been his dad instead of Mr. Stiff Madden.
Dr. Joe: For not using a scalpel instead of scissors. John doesn’t care to hear about Dr. Joe’s eyebrows yet again, so he cuffs him and applies duct tape.
Ava: For hacking at Spencer in the same way she hacks away at her dialogue
Reggie: For being at basketball camp all this time and NOT killing Spencer
Erica: For stabbing Spencer while on a step-stool and ripping all the warning stickers on said step-stool. Also, don’t forget about the mattress tags, John. Plus she was probably sleeveless.
Okay, so John looks at the rest of his list.
“Aha! The Martin’s Attic! That should have been my first stop!”
He scurries, head down, hands on hips while chewing a big shit-load of gum and rings the Martin’s doorbell.
The Martin’s doorbell plays The Twilight Zone Theme Song. He realizes no one will answer the door. So he just walks right in and proceeds up the stairs.
He unlocks the attic door and promptly arrests…
Myrtle, Opal, Ruth, Brook, Bobby, Dr. Dave and Palmer.
The charges? “Betting on the Ponies, Football Pools, Bingo, Bunko, Chinese Checker playing and Strip Poker with no wild cards and you didn’t even invite me.
“Oh, and for killing Spencer Truman with scissors found in the attic. Bobby’s excused. No skis were found on the murder victim. Plus, Bobby’s been dead for years. Not that it completely lets him off the hook”
Speaking of dead, John “I’m Still Anal” McBanal goes on to arrest Daddy McBain for following him EVERYWHERE for years while being dead, Spencer Truman for also being dead but still smarmy, Victor Lord for being dead, not being dead, then being dead again, and now maybe not as dead as we thought and Asa for actually just being dead.
Next week:
John joins the PC police and arrests little Jacob Martin for being the cause of a really annoying, never-ending story-line that even bores Spencer Truman to death.
After arresting himself as the last person left in Llanview as a suspect in the Spencer Truman murder case, John “The Rain In Spain Falls ALWAYS On” McBain courageously breaks out of Llanview Prison (he threw the guard a Canolli) and quickly bumbles on over to Pine Valley for more suspects.
After he checks in at The Pine Cone Lodge, John goes against the McGrain and checks his notebook in case he actually wrote something down.
“Um, yeah, okay. Jonathon Lavery. He looks good shirtless. I mean He looks good naked, I mean he looks good as a suspect. Although he’s no David Hayward, I mean Truman. Buchanan, What the hell ever”.
John shuffles off to Wildwind, steps up to the door, sticks a wad of gum in his mouth, shuffles his feet, bows his head, puts his hands on his hips, does the Hokey-Pokey and rings the doorbell.
No one answers.
No one has ever heard that sound before and everyone’s busy looking in closets and under sinks to see where this strange sound is coming from.
Jamie checks the toilet. He jiggles the handle and the strange sound is heard again.
Julia finally figures it out. “I heard that sound about nine years ago. It was the WPA coming to take me away then, but it’s probably just the Fuller Brush Man.
Jonathon smirks and mentions that the whole Fuller Brush Man-thing died out years ago as he strategically hides a lint brush behind his back.
Jonathon answers the door.
John “I’m Really In Deep” McBain says “Jonathon Lavery? You are under arrest for the murder of one Spencer Truman, who still won’t leave the show and continues to haunt and taunt me by drinking all my beer and making fun of my daddy.”
Jonathon: “What makes you think I did it?”
John: “Well, you have dead daddy issues, too. And although your dad beat the snot out of you, my da won’t leave me the hell alone. Heck, now he’s even a priest. Plus, you had a brain tumor. A tumor is a good reason to commit murder. I only have problems with irregularity.”
Jonathon: “Well, Metamucil is good I hear. But you forgot to mention that I also held several women captive in a cave with a corpse being played by the actor who was supposed to be my dead brother.”
John: “Oh, yeah, he’s under arrest, too. And what about this Edmond Gray guy?”
Jonathon: “Well, he’s dead now. Just a small misunderstanding. I meant to use a hoe. Say, why don’t you come in and I’ll have one of the stupid bitches around here make you a sandwich.”
John takes out his notebook and checks Jonathon off the list. “No use arresting someone that actually kills people.”
Next up for John “You’re So” McVain: Ryan Lavery.
John sees there are many addresses listed for Ryan so he crosses him off the list as his feet are killing him.
Annie Greensprings Lavery is his next suspect:
John “I’m Merely Focused Not Insane” McBane again rings the doorbell.
Annie, via Spike’s hand signals realizes that strange sound is coming from the front door. She answers it as…
John looks up from staring at his feet and promptly places her under arrest.
Annie: “What are the charges?”
John: The murder of Spencer Truman while impersonating Old Greenlee But Who Looks More Like New Greenlee while wielding scissors and starting a commune without a license. ALSO, you were wearing a red and white horizontal-striped sweater in your nightmare on the plane today. That’s even a worse offense than Babe’s Condom Blouse.
Annie is cuffed. But she realizes she kind of likes it.
Okay, now onto the following suspects:
Aiden and Jackson: For Jackson thanking Aiden for being Greenlee’s friend because she really needs one now. Aiden “Well, I needed a Sheila, and Jack’s a Bobcat, there she was.” Jackson: “Yeah, well, what I want to say is, well, thanks for boinking her.”
Aiden: “No problem mate. What are friends for?”
Also, they struck Spence with great force and penetration. I had to say that somewhere.
KWAK: For scissoring Spencer while being named KWAK and calling her daughter “Baby Dawl” and castrating Adam with a blunt instrument.
Babe: For killing Spencer while being named “Babe”, letting her Momma call her “Baby Dawl”, having sex in a kiddie pool and worst of all, for being recast so that now she’ll never go away.
Zach: For slashing Spencer while still being able to maintain a morose and enigmatic manner without once putting his hands on his hips. This makes John make a “Will Fry For This” drawing in his datebook next to Zach’s name. It’s a picture of Colonel Sanders smirking.
Kendall: For saying to Zach that Spike will be made fun of for wearing something OUTSIDE HIS HEAD. This obviously includes hats. At least no one will make fun of him because of his name.
JR: For killing Spencer with scissors while not using them on his own hair first.
Jamie: For killing Spencer while wearing a Safari Hat
Tad: For stabbing Spencer and not giving him a proper burial
Josh: For stabbing Spencer because Spence didn’t perform the miracle unabortion so that Spencer could have been his dad instead of Mr. Stiff Madden.
Dr. Joe: For not using a scalpel instead of scissors. John doesn’t care to hear about Dr. Joe’s eyebrows yet again, so he cuffs him and applies duct tape.
Ava: For hacking at Spencer in the same way she hacks away at her dialogue
Reggie: For being at basketball camp all this time and NOT killing Spencer
Erica: For stabbing Spencer while on a step-stool and ripping all the warning stickers on said step-stool. Also, don’t forget about the mattress tags, John. Plus she was probably sleeveless.
Okay, so John looks at the rest of his list.
“Aha! The Martin’s Attic! That should have been my first stop!”
He scurries, head down, hands on hips while chewing a big shit-load of gum and rings the Martin’s doorbell.
The Martin’s doorbell plays The Twilight Zone Theme Song. He realizes no one will answer the door. So he just walks right in and proceeds up the stairs.
He unlocks the attic door and promptly arrests…
Myrtle, Opal, Ruth, Brook, Bobby, Dr. Dave and Palmer.
The charges? “Betting on the Ponies, Football Pools, Bingo, Bunko, Chinese Checker playing and Strip Poker with no wild cards and you didn’t even invite me.
“Oh, and for killing Spencer Truman with scissors found in the attic. Bobby’s excused. No skis were found on the murder victim. Plus, Bobby’s been dead for years. Not that it completely lets him off the hook”
Speaking of dead, John “I’m Still Anal” McBanal goes on to arrest Daddy McBain for following him EVERYWHERE for years while being dead, Spencer Truman for also being dead but still smarmy, Victor Lord for being dead, not being dead, then being dead again, and now maybe not as dead as we thought and Asa for actually just being dead.
Next week:
John joins the PC police and arrests little Jacob Martin for being the cause of a really annoying, never-ending story-line that even bores Spencer Truman to death.