Post by Liz on Aug 27, 2007 23:29:47 GMT -5
Guys, check this out: NO, I didn't write it, unfortunately.
Part 1:
Some people, um...ya know, spend their entire lives trying to move on. Jonathan uttered that sentence unconsciously. The words tumbled out of his mouth before he could choke them back. He wasn’t usually given to such moments of deep revelation into his psyche, but it was always there under the surface, bubbling and festering like an infected sore.
Certainly he wasn’t about to spill his life story to a virtual stranger. Only Erin knew the dark secrets that invaded the recesses of his mind, partly because she had lived them alongside him. But Erin was gone. Erin. He couldn’t let his mind wonder there. He wouldn’t, couldn’t allow it. He forced himself back to the present with a jolt. Ava kept coming at him with questions and he deflected them with glossed over answers. He effectively ended any further discussion when he said, You have to move on though, right? Easier said than done.
Jonathan made a hasty exit into the darkened corridor. He hesitated, deciding between his room and the living room. Insomnia had been his constant companion for nights too numerous to count. His choice made, he quietly padded down the stairs.
The easy chair protested under his slight frame. Although it was the end of summer a fire roared in the fireplace. He never could quite wrap his mind around that one. It seemed rather pretentious to him. The flames danced almost hypnotically as he sat lost in his thoughts - and that was a very dangerous place to be.
A barrage of thoughts and memories crashed down upon him. Most were in jagged bits and pieces. His thoughts flew out of control and flitted from one place to another. He struggled to quiet the constant stream of consciousness, but it was a fruitless endeavor. It usually was.
Losing the battle he went with it, carried away on a sea of memories - most of them things he would rather forget. He floated until his body capitulated and fell into an uneasy and fitful slumber.
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Jamie yawned and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. He stumbled wearily down the stairs. In the midst of studying he had fallen asleep on one of his open textbooks. It was a bad habit he had picked up ever since returning to med school. All he got for his effort was a crease on the side of his face and a wicked case of dehydration.
Jamie almost didn’t see Jonathan until the man involuntarily jerked in his sleep. He studied him for a minute. A sheen of perspiration lay over Jonathan’s knitted brows. He lay stretched out at an uncomfortable angle. He’s going to have one hell of a sore neck in the morning, Jamie observed. He thought briefly of waking him, but decided against it. Jonathan tried to deny it, but all the residents of Wildwind knew that sleep was not something the younger Lavery got a lot of. It had gotten worse since his sister had been murdered.
Jamie gave him one final glance before heading off to the kitchen for a glass of water. He gulped down two glasses of tepid water before grabbing a couple bottles of water from the fridge to take up to his room for his marathon study session. Hopefully, the water would help keep him awake where the coffee failed.
A muffled moan drifted in from the living room. Jamie fumbled the water bottles and kicked the refrigerator door closed. It shut with a loud bang that echoed in the silence. Sometimes this old drafty mansion was downright spooky.
He scuttled out of the kitchen only to be met with a shrill cry. This time Jamie didn’t hesitate. He dropped the waters alongside the chair. “Jonathan. Hey, Jonathan!” he gently shook the man’s shoulder.
Jamie wasn’t prepared for the reaction he elicited. Jonathan nearly shot out of his seat until he was lightly restrained by Jamie’s hands. He didn’t so much as settle back into the chair as cower into it. Jonathan looked around at his surroundings wildly, squinting to make out the details.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa! Take it easy, man. It’s just Jamie.”
Jonathan shifted in the chair. He nodded absently, still a million miles away. “I know. You scared the hell outta me.”
“That must have been some dream, man.”
“Huh?” Jonathan’s gaze shifted briefly to the fireplace. “I don’t remember.”
The averted gaze did not go unnoticed by Jamie. He had been living with him long enough to recognize this as one of the signs that Jonathan was either hiding something or just plain didn’t want to talk about it. He figured it to be both. Not to mention the fact that Jonathan was breathing as if he had just finished a 10K.
Jamie reached down and grabbed one of the water bottles and screwed the top off. He held it out to Jonathan. “Here. Drink this. You’re going to get dehydrated as much as you’re sweating. Why is there a fire going anyway?”
“Th- thanks,” he stammered. He smirked, remembering he had wondered the same thing earlier as he accepted the bottle of water. His hands shook, spilling small droplets of water as he attempted to bring it to his mouth. Jonathan willed them to stop long enough to take a sip. He swallowed hard.
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Sure. I’m fine” Jonathan put on a smile to reassure the younger man.
Jamie eyed him doubtfully. “You’re sure?”
“I’m fine, James!” The latter came out sharper than he had intended. He softened his tone. “You just scared me is all. I’m fine. Really!
“Actually, it’s a good thing you woke me. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to move my neck tomorrow.” Jonathan rubbed his neck for emphasis. “What are you doing up anyway?”
“Study break” It was clear to Jamie that Jonathan was trying to change the subject. Jamie went along knowing that no matter how he broached the subject, Jonathan would remain a closed book.
“Well, don’t let me keep you.”
Jamie took this as his cue to leave. He gave Jonathan a pat on the shoulder. He couldn’t help but notice the slight flinch of the older man’s shoulder at his touch. “Goodnight, Jonathan.”
“‘Night.”
Jamie paused at the foot of the stairs, giving Jonathan one last glance. He watched as the man ran his hands through his hair and then leaned back as he shakily brought the bottle of water to his lips once more, trying to keep from spilling the cool liquid, but failing miserably. He started forward, but decided against it and turned toward the steps once more.
Since he was already up the steps Jamie did not see Jonathan get up and pace the living room only to sit right back down again. He did not see him throw the bottle of water into the fireplace sending wisps of gray smoke up to the vaulted ceiling. And he did not hear Jonathan whisper a silent prayer, “Help me, Erin. Please help me.”
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Sunlight streamed through the windows as Jonathan emerged from the shower. The steam plumed around him and settled on the mirror. He swiped a clean streak in the mirror and studied his reflection. Instead of waking him up and putting some color in his cheeks, the shower just made him appear more drawn and tired. The dark circles under his eyes and his dark hair plastered to his forehead contrasted sharply with his pale skin.
Jonathan turned away in disgust. He nearly ripped the mirror off its hinges trying to get to the contents within. The cap to the bottle he grabbed from the shelf stubbornly refused to give. It finally gave with a resounding pop and ibuprofen spilled all over the tiles. He picked a couple up and dry-swallowed them.
He plucked another bottle from within the cabinet, turning it over in his hand. It was only prophylactic at this point. The doctor was tapering them off and in a few weeks he wouldn’t be needing them at all anymore. Taking the matter into his own hands he put the pill bottle back in its home without opening it.
The T-shirt he shrugged into hugged his frame. He threw another shirt on top trying to camouflage the weight loss that he knew was beginning to show. With a sigh, he exited the bathroom preparing himself to face another day.
To his pleasant surprise the house stood largely empty. A quick glass of juice and he’d be off to work. When he rounded the corner his assumption that the house was empty proved false. Amanda stood preparing a sandwich.
“Amanda...,” Jonathan started.
“I’m sorry,” they both said simultaneously.
Jonathan chuckled and looked away shyly. “You have nothing to be sorry for. I shouldn’t have come on to you like that. There’s no excuse.”
“Maybe not, but I didn’t have to be such a bitch about it.” Amanda smiled and held the sandwich out to him. “Truce?”
“I’ll take the truce, but pass on the sandwich. Thanks though.” Jonathan traced the edge of the countertop with his index finger as he inched closer to her. “What are you up to today?”
“I have a very difficult day of sunning by the pool planned.” Amanda threw her forearm against her head in a melodramatic pose. She was pleased when it elicited a smile from Jonathan. Those smiles were far too scarce in her opinion. “So any exciting plans for you?”
“Not as exciting as what you’ve got going on.” He paused to pour his juice, eyeing her the whole time. “Just a double shift.”
“Brave man.” Amanda jumped up and pulled some contents from the fridge. She slapped together another sandwich and held it out to him. “Please eat, Jonathan. You and I both know that sucking on limes does not quite do it for dinner.”
“Well, we’ve got the lemons and oranges too,” he attempted to joke. “Cherries?” Amanda just gave him that don’t-give-me-any-crap stare. “Alright, alright. I give.” He accepted the sandwich and turned it over in his hands before forcing himself to take a bite.
Amanda took a big bite out of hers. “Mmmm, my favorite. Bologna..”
The bite was already in his mouth before she had divulged that information. The mayonnaise and ketchup caused the bologna to slide along his tongue .He chewed it carefully and tried to coax it down his throat. It made an excruciatingly long journey down his esophagus before landing in his stomach like a rock.
Unaware of her friend’s struggles with her culinary concoction, she delved into the next bite fiercely. “Amazing! Who knew a sandwich could be this good?”
Jonathan lost the battle to keep the sandwich where it belonged. He ran for the bathroom and barely made it before the sandwich made its second appearance of the day. Amanda had been following closely on his heels and arrived as he collapsed against the cold tile wall. He flushed the toilet hurriedly.
Amanda sat down next to him and stroked his hair. “Are you going to be okay?”
Jonathan merely nodded. He didn’t trust himself to speak at the moment. As it turned out it was a wise decision. Within minutes he was dry heaving into the toilet. He sunk down to the tile floor and struggled to sit up. “Sorry about that. I’m okay now.”
“Don’t be sorry. Great...leave it to me to feed you poisoned sandwiches,” Amanda attempted to joke.
Amanda could not know the weight her words carried. But she did not miss the shadow that passed over her friend’s face right before he shot forward for another round of dry heaves. Amanda sighed and rubbed his back in a gesture of comfort.
Jonathan leaned back against the wall, panting slightly. “Sorry about that.”
“Stop apologizing. You’re sick. No double shift for you tonight.”
Jonathan rolled his eyes towards her. Moving his head just seemed too enormous a task. “Let me just sit here a minute. I’ll be okay. “ He squeezed his eyes shut and nodded his head. “I’m okay.”
“Like hell you are. You are not going anywhere except up to bed.” Jonathan opened his mouth to protest, but Amanda cut him off. “I’ll cover your shifts. You have no business being in there right now. You look like crap.”
“Gee thanks,” Jonathan said wryly. He gave up arguing with her. Amanda was a formidable opponent, and he didn’t have the energy to explain to her that he wasn’t sick. What was he supposed to say? I’m seriously screwed up and the sight of a sandwich sends me off the deep end? No thanks. He didn’t want to risk alienating one of the few friends he had.
Jonathan decided to play it her way. He raised himself up slowly on shaky legs and made his way up the stairs with Amanda one step behind him the whole way. She saw to it that he was settled in. Before she turned to leave Jonathan uttered another, “I’m sorry.”
“For the last time stop apologizing. You apologize way too much.” One hand hung coltishly on the doorknob. “Besides I owe you for all the shifts you’ve covered for me recently. Take care of yourself, or you’ll have to answer to me.”
Amanda turned to leave, but Jonathan’s voice called out, “Amanda...” She turned towards the sound of his voice expecting another apology. Instead he whispered, “Thank you.” She bit her lip and smiled at him as she closed the door.
**************************************************************************************
The bass beat drove through her cerebrum like an ice pick. Amanda sighed wearily. It was only halfway through the double shift. The bar was dead and she must have wiped the bar top about a dozen times. The rag had turned cold in her hand.
Truthfully, she was worried about Jonathan - more so than usual. He had always been somewhat of an enigma to everyone he met, but not to her. He wasn’t so hard to figure out. He was just this guy with a big heart wrapped in layers of pain - pain he tried to hide from the world. It only made her fall deeper in love with him.
Lately, he had been more than a little exasperating with his Lily and Ava drama. She didn’t know whether it was guilt or obligation, or a bit of both. Either way he carried responsibility like a chain around his neck. Amanda figured she ought to cut him some slack. The poor guy had had a rather tough year. It’s no wonder he couldn’t tell which end was up. And he was such a good friend to her after Babe had “died”,despite the fact that he was still in mourning for his beloved sister.
As Amanda contemplated the intricacies of Jonathan Lavery, the elder Lavery walked up to the bar. “Ryan.”
“Hey, Amanda. How’ve you been?” Ryan folded his arms and leaned atop the bar.
“Can’t complain. You?” Ryan shot her a look. “Riiiiight. Forget I asked.”
“I thought Jonathan was working tonight.”
“He was supposed to, but I’m covering. He wasn’t feeling so hot.” Amanda rearranged the glasses as she spoke.
Ryan wore a look of surprise. “Really? I talked to him earlier and he sounded just fine.”
Amanda threw the rag down. “Oh, man. I bet it was my sandwich that did it. I thought that mayo was a little off.”
“Wh-what? Wait a second. Jonathan ate a sandwich?” Ryan punctuated each word by tapping a finger on the bar.
“What’s the big deal? A bologna sandwich is a perfectly normal lunch.”
“A bologna sandwich? You’re kidding me right?
“Yeah, so?”
“Huh. Well, Jonathan’s never been a big fan of them.”
“What is he like allergic or something?”
Ryan nodded noncommitally. “Yeah, something like that.”
Amanda was puzzled at this shift in the conversation. It was clear Ryan wasn’t going to explain without a whole lot of prying. “Ryan, c’mon - out with it.”
Ryan sighed loudly. “I wish I could explain, but it’s really not my story to tell.”
Amanda rounded the bar and stood next to him. “Okay, now you’re starting to freak me out.”
Ryan ran a hand over his face. “Again, I wish I could explain, but I can’t.”
Amanda’s heart began beating rapidly. She didn’t know if she was angry or scared, or some combination of the two. “Who do I have to torture around here to get some answers?”
Ryan’s eyes grew dim. He glanced around the bar and saw they were alone. “Alright, alright. If I tell you, you have to promise me that you will not say anything to Jonathan.” Amanda started to speak, but Ryan held up a finger to silence her. “Knowing that you know could really hurt Jonathan. Promise me.”
The last thing Amanda wanted was to hurt one of her best friends. “I promise.”
“Jonathan told me this story after he came back to Pine Valley.” Ryan rocked forward on his elbows. “After I left home, when it was just Jon and Erin... my old man, he used to do sick, twisted things to Jonathan.” Ryan paused, unsure of how to go on. Hearing it had been hard, but to say the words aloud somehow made it hit home even harder.
Amanda didn’t prompt Ryan. She knew he would continue when he was ready. He took a deep breath and began again. “One of the things he did - he thought it would be funny to make my brother a sandwich and then watch him eat it. When Jon was halfway through, he pushed it away. Jon asked ‘why’ and the deranged sonofabitch told him he had put enough poison in the sandwich - a bologna sandwich, by the way - to kill him.”
Amanda gasped as the realization dawned on her, but she did not interrupt. “Jonathan threw it up and figured that was it. But our sorry excuse for a father told him that it wasn’t poisoned, but one day it would be. He made my little brother eat those bologna sandwiches everyday, and everyday Jon would, um - he would get sick and throw up.”
The tears spilled over and trickled slowly down her cheeks. She had known they had an abusive childhood, but she could not imagine until now the depths of the madness they had lived with. Her upbringing was far from normal, but one thing was for sure - her mother and her father had loved her and protected her, to a fault. And wonderful her had just handed her friend a memory from Hell, served on a plate. “Oh my God. How could I have forced him to eat that?”
Ryan’s eyes met hers. “There’s no way you could’ve known.”
“Why didn’t I just listen when he turned it down the first time?”
“Amanda...”
“Why - why would he eat that, knowing what it would do to him?”
Ryan shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe he didn’t want to hurt your feelings. Or maybe he just didn’t want to explain why he didn’t want to eat it. Or maybe he was hoping that that chapter in his life was closed, and he could move on.”
“Do you really think Jonathan’s moved on?”
Ryan shoved his hands in his pockets and studied the floor. He slowly shook his head. “The Hell Patrick put him through - I don’t know if he ever truly can.”
Amanda blinked back the tears that threatened to spill over once again. “He cannot live the rest of his life under that shadow.”
“I’ve tried to help him. Even when he lets me help, it doesn’t seem to do a whole lot of good.”
Amanda wore a sad smile. “Jonathan is pretty hard-headed.”
Ryan cocked his head. “Yeah, that’s my brother. He kinda had to be to survive.” Ryan noticed Amanda’s worried countenance. He placed a hand on her arm. “I’ll talk to him.”
Amanda nodded her thanks and went back behind the bar. As she watched Ryan leave, she tried to dampen the gnawing sense of foreboding in her gut.
**************************************************************************************
Jonathan glided along the floor. He knew his feet were moving, but they never seemed to come in contact with the ground. Before him, a stairway rose up into the darkness. Without reason he followed the staircase, one foot and then the other. His fingers traced the inner wall of the ascending hallway, but he could find no purchase. The wall seemed to be made out of the same transparent substance as the floor.
The door at the top of the stairs creaked open, slowly, painfully. He had reached his destination and opened the door further, allowing a blinding white light to invade his sensitive orbs.
The cold white light dissipated like the morning fog. Through the remains of the streaming light. Jonathan saw the object of his search. She turned around, the sun rays catching the red strands and causing them to glow about her pale countenance. She laughed and the sound was like the most beautiful music he had ever heard.
Jonathan rushed to the form, aching to hug her, but she kept him at bay. “Erin...”
“My dear sweet Jonathan. How I’ve missed you.” Erin’s eyes were elated, but with an undercurrent of sadness in them.
He took another step forward. “I’ve missed you too...so much.” He reached out and stroked a strand of her hair. It was more a filament for all the substance it had, but he didn’t care. Here was his Erin in the flesh.
“I love you so much.”
“I love you too Jonathan.”
“Why, Erin? Why?” He left the open-ended question hanging in the air between them.
Erin merely shook her head in response. “I can’t fix it for you this time, Jonathan.” She turned away and began striding towards the horizon.
Jonathan caught up to her. “No, please don’t go. Not yet.” His eyes betrayed his confusion and his hurt. She turned back towards him and smiled thinly. Jonathan’s eyes were shiny with unshed tears. “I’m sorry, Erin. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there to protect you.” Jonathan could no longer allow his touch to be shaken off. He enveloped his sister in a warm embrace.
He held onto her for everything he was worth. Unbeknownst to him the landscape around them had changed. The light was no longer white, but a filtered gray. The edges were sharp and fierce. And the weight in his arms became unbearable. He looked down into the sightless eyes of his sister. “Not again. Oh no, Erin. Please not again.”
He cradled her lifeless body to him and rocked her back and forth, much like he had done on that fateful day. “Please, no. Please, please, please...”
Jonathan awoke with the plea still caught in his throat. He touched his cheeks and felt the dampness there. No matter how many times he had that dream, it left him with a welling sadness that could not be abated.
The four walls were closing in on him and the aching emptiness was more than he could bear. He threw on some clothes and set out for the one place where he might be able to find some comfort.
Part 1:
Some people, um...ya know, spend their entire lives trying to move on. Jonathan uttered that sentence unconsciously. The words tumbled out of his mouth before he could choke them back. He wasn’t usually given to such moments of deep revelation into his psyche, but it was always there under the surface, bubbling and festering like an infected sore.
Certainly he wasn’t about to spill his life story to a virtual stranger. Only Erin knew the dark secrets that invaded the recesses of his mind, partly because she had lived them alongside him. But Erin was gone. Erin. He couldn’t let his mind wonder there. He wouldn’t, couldn’t allow it. He forced himself back to the present with a jolt. Ava kept coming at him with questions and he deflected them with glossed over answers. He effectively ended any further discussion when he said, You have to move on though, right? Easier said than done.
Jonathan made a hasty exit into the darkened corridor. He hesitated, deciding between his room and the living room. Insomnia had been his constant companion for nights too numerous to count. His choice made, he quietly padded down the stairs.
The easy chair protested under his slight frame. Although it was the end of summer a fire roared in the fireplace. He never could quite wrap his mind around that one. It seemed rather pretentious to him. The flames danced almost hypnotically as he sat lost in his thoughts - and that was a very dangerous place to be.
A barrage of thoughts and memories crashed down upon him. Most were in jagged bits and pieces. His thoughts flew out of control and flitted from one place to another. He struggled to quiet the constant stream of consciousness, but it was a fruitless endeavor. It usually was.
Losing the battle he went with it, carried away on a sea of memories - most of them things he would rather forget. He floated until his body capitulated and fell into an uneasy and fitful slumber.
**************************************************************************************
Jamie yawned and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. He stumbled wearily down the stairs. In the midst of studying he had fallen asleep on one of his open textbooks. It was a bad habit he had picked up ever since returning to med school. All he got for his effort was a crease on the side of his face and a wicked case of dehydration.
Jamie almost didn’t see Jonathan until the man involuntarily jerked in his sleep. He studied him for a minute. A sheen of perspiration lay over Jonathan’s knitted brows. He lay stretched out at an uncomfortable angle. He’s going to have one hell of a sore neck in the morning, Jamie observed. He thought briefly of waking him, but decided against it. Jonathan tried to deny it, but all the residents of Wildwind knew that sleep was not something the younger Lavery got a lot of. It had gotten worse since his sister had been murdered.
Jamie gave him one final glance before heading off to the kitchen for a glass of water. He gulped down two glasses of tepid water before grabbing a couple bottles of water from the fridge to take up to his room for his marathon study session. Hopefully, the water would help keep him awake where the coffee failed.
A muffled moan drifted in from the living room. Jamie fumbled the water bottles and kicked the refrigerator door closed. It shut with a loud bang that echoed in the silence. Sometimes this old drafty mansion was downright spooky.
He scuttled out of the kitchen only to be met with a shrill cry. This time Jamie didn’t hesitate. He dropped the waters alongside the chair. “Jonathan. Hey, Jonathan!” he gently shook the man’s shoulder.
Jamie wasn’t prepared for the reaction he elicited. Jonathan nearly shot out of his seat until he was lightly restrained by Jamie’s hands. He didn’t so much as settle back into the chair as cower into it. Jonathan looked around at his surroundings wildly, squinting to make out the details.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa! Take it easy, man. It’s just Jamie.”
Jonathan shifted in the chair. He nodded absently, still a million miles away. “I know. You scared the hell outta me.”
“That must have been some dream, man.”
“Huh?” Jonathan’s gaze shifted briefly to the fireplace. “I don’t remember.”
The averted gaze did not go unnoticed by Jamie. He had been living with him long enough to recognize this as one of the signs that Jonathan was either hiding something or just plain didn’t want to talk about it. He figured it to be both. Not to mention the fact that Jonathan was breathing as if he had just finished a 10K.
Jamie reached down and grabbed one of the water bottles and screwed the top off. He held it out to Jonathan. “Here. Drink this. You’re going to get dehydrated as much as you’re sweating. Why is there a fire going anyway?”
“Th- thanks,” he stammered. He smirked, remembering he had wondered the same thing earlier as he accepted the bottle of water. His hands shook, spilling small droplets of water as he attempted to bring it to his mouth. Jonathan willed them to stop long enough to take a sip. He swallowed hard.
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Sure. I’m fine” Jonathan put on a smile to reassure the younger man.
Jamie eyed him doubtfully. “You’re sure?”
“I’m fine, James!” The latter came out sharper than he had intended. He softened his tone. “You just scared me is all. I’m fine. Really!
“Actually, it’s a good thing you woke me. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to move my neck tomorrow.” Jonathan rubbed his neck for emphasis. “What are you doing up anyway?”
“Study break” It was clear to Jamie that Jonathan was trying to change the subject. Jamie went along knowing that no matter how he broached the subject, Jonathan would remain a closed book.
“Well, don’t let me keep you.”
Jamie took this as his cue to leave. He gave Jonathan a pat on the shoulder. He couldn’t help but notice the slight flinch of the older man’s shoulder at his touch. “Goodnight, Jonathan.”
“‘Night.”
Jamie paused at the foot of the stairs, giving Jonathan one last glance. He watched as the man ran his hands through his hair and then leaned back as he shakily brought the bottle of water to his lips once more, trying to keep from spilling the cool liquid, but failing miserably. He started forward, but decided against it and turned toward the steps once more.
Since he was already up the steps Jamie did not see Jonathan get up and pace the living room only to sit right back down again. He did not see him throw the bottle of water into the fireplace sending wisps of gray smoke up to the vaulted ceiling. And he did not hear Jonathan whisper a silent prayer, “Help me, Erin. Please help me.”
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Sunlight streamed through the windows as Jonathan emerged from the shower. The steam plumed around him and settled on the mirror. He swiped a clean streak in the mirror and studied his reflection. Instead of waking him up and putting some color in his cheeks, the shower just made him appear more drawn and tired. The dark circles under his eyes and his dark hair plastered to his forehead contrasted sharply with his pale skin.
Jonathan turned away in disgust. He nearly ripped the mirror off its hinges trying to get to the contents within. The cap to the bottle he grabbed from the shelf stubbornly refused to give. It finally gave with a resounding pop and ibuprofen spilled all over the tiles. He picked a couple up and dry-swallowed them.
He plucked another bottle from within the cabinet, turning it over in his hand. It was only prophylactic at this point. The doctor was tapering them off and in a few weeks he wouldn’t be needing them at all anymore. Taking the matter into his own hands he put the pill bottle back in its home without opening it.
The T-shirt he shrugged into hugged his frame. He threw another shirt on top trying to camouflage the weight loss that he knew was beginning to show. With a sigh, he exited the bathroom preparing himself to face another day.
To his pleasant surprise the house stood largely empty. A quick glass of juice and he’d be off to work. When he rounded the corner his assumption that the house was empty proved false. Amanda stood preparing a sandwich.
“Amanda...,” Jonathan started.
“I’m sorry,” they both said simultaneously.
Jonathan chuckled and looked away shyly. “You have nothing to be sorry for. I shouldn’t have come on to you like that. There’s no excuse.”
“Maybe not, but I didn’t have to be such a bitch about it.” Amanda smiled and held the sandwich out to him. “Truce?”
“I’ll take the truce, but pass on the sandwich. Thanks though.” Jonathan traced the edge of the countertop with his index finger as he inched closer to her. “What are you up to today?”
“I have a very difficult day of sunning by the pool planned.” Amanda threw her forearm against her head in a melodramatic pose. She was pleased when it elicited a smile from Jonathan. Those smiles were far too scarce in her opinion. “So any exciting plans for you?”
“Not as exciting as what you’ve got going on.” He paused to pour his juice, eyeing her the whole time. “Just a double shift.”
“Brave man.” Amanda jumped up and pulled some contents from the fridge. She slapped together another sandwich and held it out to him. “Please eat, Jonathan. You and I both know that sucking on limes does not quite do it for dinner.”
“Well, we’ve got the lemons and oranges too,” he attempted to joke. “Cherries?” Amanda just gave him that don’t-give-me-any-crap stare. “Alright, alright. I give.” He accepted the sandwich and turned it over in his hands before forcing himself to take a bite.
Amanda took a big bite out of hers. “Mmmm, my favorite. Bologna..”
The bite was already in his mouth before she had divulged that information. The mayonnaise and ketchup caused the bologna to slide along his tongue .He chewed it carefully and tried to coax it down his throat. It made an excruciatingly long journey down his esophagus before landing in his stomach like a rock.
Unaware of her friend’s struggles with her culinary concoction, she delved into the next bite fiercely. “Amazing! Who knew a sandwich could be this good?”
Jonathan lost the battle to keep the sandwich where it belonged. He ran for the bathroom and barely made it before the sandwich made its second appearance of the day. Amanda had been following closely on his heels and arrived as he collapsed against the cold tile wall. He flushed the toilet hurriedly.
Amanda sat down next to him and stroked his hair. “Are you going to be okay?”
Jonathan merely nodded. He didn’t trust himself to speak at the moment. As it turned out it was a wise decision. Within minutes he was dry heaving into the toilet. He sunk down to the tile floor and struggled to sit up. “Sorry about that. I’m okay now.”
“Don’t be sorry. Great...leave it to me to feed you poisoned sandwiches,” Amanda attempted to joke.
Amanda could not know the weight her words carried. But she did not miss the shadow that passed over her friend’s face right before he shot forward for another round of dry heaves. Amanda sighed and rubbed his back in a gesture of comfort.
Jonathan leaned back against the wall, panting slightly. “Sorry about that.”
“Stop apologizing. You’re sick. No double shift for you tonight.”
Jonathan rolled his eyes towards her. Moving his head just seemed too enormous a task. “Let me just sit here a minute. I’ll be okay. “ He squeezed his eyes shut and nodded his head. “I’m okay.”
“Like hell you are. You are not going anywhere except up to bed.” Jonathan opened his mouth to protest, but Amanda cut him off. “I’ll cover your shifts. You have no business being in there right now. You look like crap.”
“Gee thanks,” Jonathan said wryly. He gave up arguing with her. Amanda was a formidable opponent, and he didn’t have the energy to explain to her that he wasn’t sick. What was he supposed to say? I’m seriously screwed up and the sight of a sandwich sends me off the deep end? No thanks. He didn’t want to risk alienating one of the few friends he had.
Jonathan decided to play it her way. He raised himself up slowly on shaky legs and made his way up the stairs with Amanda one step behind him the whole way. She saw to it that he was settled in. Before she turned to leave Jonathan uttered another, “I’m sorry.”
“For the last time stop apologizing. You apologize way too much.” One hand hung coltishly on the doorknob. “Besides I owe you for all the shifts you’ve covered for me recently. Take care of yourself, or you’ll have to answer to me.”
Amanda turned to leave, but Jonathan’s voice called out, “Amanda...” She turned towards the sound of his voice expecting another apology. Instead he whispered, “Thank you.” She bit her lip and smiled at him as she closed the door.
**************************************************************************************
The bass beat drove through her cerebrum like an ice pick. Amanda sighed wearily. It was only halfway through the double shift. The bar was dead and she must have wiped the bar top about a dozen times. The rag had turned cold in her hand.
Truthfully, she was worried about Jonathan - more so than usual. He had always been somewhat of an enigma to everyone he met, but not to her. He wasn’t so hard to figure out. He was just this guy with a big heart wrapped in layers of pain - pain he tried to hide from the world. It only made her fall deeper in love with him.
Lately, he had been more than a little exasperating with his Lily and Ava drama. She didn’t know whether it was guilt or obligation, or a bit of both. Either way he carried responsibility like a chain around his neck. Amanda figured she ought to cut him some slack. The poor guy had had a rather tough year. It’s no wonder he couldn’t tell which end was up. And he was such a good friend to her after Babe had “died”,despite the fact that he was still in mourning for his beloved sister.
As Amanda contemplated the intricacies of Jonathan Lavery, the elder Lavery walked up to the bar. “Ryan.”
“Hey, Amanda. How’ve you been?” Ryan folded his arms and leaned atop the bar.
“Can’t complain. You?” Ryan shot her a look. “Riiiiight. Forget I asked.”
“I thought Jonathan was working tonight.”
“He was supposed to, but I’m covering. He wasn’t feeling so hot.” Amanda rearranged the glasses as she spoke.
Ryan wore a look of surprise. “Really? I talked to him earlier and he sounded just fine.”
Amanda threw the rag down. “Oh, man. I bet it was my sandwich that did it. I thought that mayo was a little off.”
“Wh-what? Wait a second. Jonathan ate a sandwich?” Ryan punctuated each word by tapping a finger on the bar.
“What’s the big deal? A bologna sandwich is a perfectly normal lunch.”
“A bologna sandwich? You’re kidding me right?
“Yeah, so?”
“Huh. Well, Jonathan’s never been a big fan of them.”
“What is he like allergic or something?”
Ryan nodded noncommitally. “Yeah, something like that.”
Amanda was puzzled at this shift in the conversation. It was clear Ryan wasn’t going to explain without a whole lot of prying. “Ryan, c’mon - out with it.”
Ryan sighed loudly. “I wish I could explain, but it’s really not my story to tell.”
Amanda rounded the bar and stood next to him. “Okay, now you’re starting to freak me out.”
Ryan ran a hand over his face. “Again, I wish I could explain, but I can’t.”
Amanda’s heart began beating rapidly. She didn’t know if she was angry or scared, or some combination of the two. “Who do I have to torture around here to get some answers?”
Ryan’s eyes grew dim. He glanced around the bar and saw they were alone. “Alright, alright. If I tell you, you have to promise me that you will not say anything to Jonathan.” Amanda started to speak, but Ryan held up a finger to silence her. “Knowing that you know could really hurt Jonathan. Promise me.”
The last thing Amanda wanted was to hurt one of her best friends. “I promise.”
“Jonathan told me this story after he came back to Pine Valley.” Ryan rocked forward on his elbows. “After I left home, when it was just Jon and Erin... my old man, he used to do sick, twisted things to Jonathan.” Ryan paused, unsure of how to go on. Hearing it had been hard, but to say the words aloud somehow made it hit home even harder.
Amanda didn’t prompt Ryan. She knew he would continue when he was ready. He took a deep breath and began again. “One of the things he did - he thought it would be funny to make my brother a sandwich and then watch him eat it. When Jon was halfway through, he pushed it away. Jon asked ‘why’ and the deranged sonofabitch told him he had put enough poison in the sandwich - a bologna sandwich, by the way - to kill him.”
Amanda gasped as the realization dawned on her, but she did not interrupt. “Jonathan threw it up and figured that was it. But our sorry excuse for a father told him that it wasn’t poisoned, but one day it would be. He made my little brother eat those bologna sandwiches everyday, and everyday Jon would, um - he would get sick and throw up.”
The tears spilled over and trickled slowly down her cheeks. She had known they had an abusive childhood, but she could not imagine until now the depths of the madness they had lived with. Her upbringing was far from normal, but one thing was for sure - her mother and her father had loved her and protected her, to a fault. And wonderful her had just handed her friend a memory from Hell, served on a plate. “Oh my God. How could I have forced him to eat that?”
Ryan’s eyes met hers. “There’s no way you could’ve known.”
“Why didn’t I just listen when he turned it down the first time?”
“Amanda...”
“Why - why would he eat that, knowing what it would do to him?”
Ryan shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe he didn’t want to hurt your feelings. Or maybe he just didn’t want to explain why he didn’t want to eat it. Or maybe he was hoping that that chapter in his life was closed, and he could move on.”
“Do you really think Jonathan’s moved on?”
Ryan shoved his hands in his pockets and studied the floor. He slowly shook his head. “The Hell Patrick put him through - I don’t know if he ever truly can.”
Amanda blinked back the tears that threatened to spill over once again. “He cannot live the rest of his life under that shadow.”
“I’ve tried to help him. Even when he lets me help, it doesn’t seem to do a whole lot of good.”
Amanda wore a sad smile. “Jonathan is pretty hard-headed.”
Ryan cocked his head. “Yeah, that’s my brother. He kinda had to be to survive.” Ryan noticed Amanda’s worried countenance. He placed a hand on her arm. “I’ll talk to him.”
Amanda nodded her thanks and went back behind the bar. As she watched Ryan leave, she tried to dampen the gnawing sense of foreboding in her gut.
**************************************************************************************
Jonathan glided along the floor. He knew his feet were moving, but they never seemed to come in contact with the ground. Before him, a stairway rose up into the darkness. Without reason he followed the staircase, one foot and then the other. His fingers traced the inner wall of the ascending hallway, but he could find no purchase. The wall seemed to be made out of the same transparent substance as the floor.
The door at the top of the stairs creaked open, slowly, painfully. He had reached his destination and opened the door further, allowing a blinding white light to invade his sensitive orbs.
The cold white light dissipated like the morning fog. Through the remains of the streaming light. Jonathan saw the object of his search. She turned around, the sun rays catching the red strands and causing them to glow about her pale countenance. She laughed and the sound was like the most beautiful music he had ever heard.
Jonathan rushed to the form, aching to hug her, but she kept him at bay. “Erin...”
“My dear sweet Jonathan. How I’ve missed you.” Erin’s eyes were elated, but with an undercurrent of sadness in them.
He took another step forward. “I’ve missed you too...so much.” He reached out and stroked a strand of her hair. It was more a filament for all the substance it had, but he didn’t care. Here was his Erin in the flesh.
“I love you so much.”
“I love you too Jonathan.”
“Why, Erin? Why?” He left the open-ended question hanging in the air between them.
Erin merely shook her head in response. “I can’t fix it for you this time, Jonathan.” She turned away and began striding towards the horizon.
Jonathan caught up to her. “No, please don’t go. Not yet.” His eyes betrayed his confusion and his hurt. She turned back towards him and smiled thinly. Jonathan’s eyes were shiny with unshed tears. “I’m sorry, Erin. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there to protect you.” Jonathan could no longer allow his touch to be shaken off. He enveloped his sister in a warm embrace.
He held onto her for everything he was worth. Unbeknownst to him the landscape around them had changed. The light was no longer white, but a filtered gray. The edges were sharp and fierce. And the weight in his arms became unbearable. He looked down into the sightless eyes of his sister. “Not again. Oh no, Erin. Please not again.”
He cradled her lifeless body to him and rocked her back and forth, much like he had done on that fateful day. “Please, no. Please, please, please...”
Jonathan awoke with the plea still caught in his throat. He touched his cheeks and felt the dampness there. No matter how many times he had that dream, it left him with a welling sadness that could not be abated.
The four walls were closing in on him and the aching emptiness was more than he could bear. He threw on some clothes and set out for the one place where he might be able to find some comfort.