Post by Beth on Feb 24, 2008 21:41:57 GMT -5
Amanda felt the scream rip from her throat. Jonathan teetered on the edge perilously as his arms windmilled, trying to propel himself backwards. Whether he had second thoughts or was trying to correct a fateful slip was inconsequential. Amanda rushed forward, the spot she had just vacated now occupied by a breathless Kendall.
Both her arms were outstretched as she raced forward. She was only vaguely aware of Kendall calling out Ryan’s name over and over like a curious mantra. Her hand brushed the material of his coat, but it slipped through her fingers as Jonathan gained enough momentum to fling himself over the lip of the ledge.
Jonathan’s head struck the edge full force, stunning him momentarily on his descent. He lay flat on the rooftop panting heavily. Amanda collapsed beside him, releasing tears of relief. He pushed himself up on shaky arms, leaning against the wall for support. He brushed the grit from his face as Amanda scooted closer to him.
“Jonathan...”
He rolled his eyes toward her, but his body remained motionless. His lungs burned as he gulped hungrily for air. Amanda waited until he regained some of his composure before addressing him again. “Are you okay?”
A short, humorless laugh was his only response. He hung his head, seemingly lost in thought while worrying an imaginary thread on his pantleg. He tilted his head sideways at her. “I don’t know.”
The raw honesty of his response surprised her. The undercurrents of emotions the held him hostage were usually kept hidden behind a thinly veiled curtain, his soulful eyes the only revelation to his innermost turmoil. Those wounded eyes bore into her now, sending daggers of sorrow coursing through her heart.
“What were you doing up here,” she asked gently. Her eye was caught by a growing pool of red collecting on his hand. He ignored it, so she did, too.
“Thinking.” he paused in reflection. “I seem to be doing a lot of that lately,” he added almost as an afterthought.
“What about?”
“Nothing. Everything,” was his enigmatic reply.
Amanda waited patiently for him to continue, laying a protective hand over her stomach instinctively. The pregnancy was forced to the recesses of her mind, forgotten in the wake of present events.
Jonathan lifted his eyes skyward as if searching for an answer. He closed them against the waning sunlight, basking in what little warmth it offered. He lowered his face and turned towards her suddenly and sharply. The deep gash in his forehead glistened with fresh blood. “Do you ever-“ His words died on his lips as he sunk back against the wall once again.
Her hand left her stomach and found its way to his arm. He jerked away from the contact unconsciously. Amanda did not take offense at a reaction that was so ingrained in him, it was second nature. Jonathan looked at her apologetically nonetheless.
“I don’t know why I do that.” He sighed. “That’s not entirely true,” he whispered more to himself. “I just wish I could stop. I’m so sick of it all.”
That last statement caused her stomach to grow sour. She had wanted to believe that the slip was just that - a slip, but now she wasn’t so sure. Her concern grew exponentially. There was no time left to confirm or deny her suspicions. Jonathan’s attention was diverted somewhere beyond her. She followed his line of sight to that of his older brother, towering above them both.
“Hockett....My God, Hockett.” Ryan knelt down in front of his younger brother gingerly. He grasped Jonathan’s hands in his own, noticing the drying blood, but not drawing attention to it. “What happened?”
Jonathan’s eyes rose to meet Ryan’s. His mouth split into a sad smile that he wore much too often. His mouth began to form the words, but no sound came out. He shook his head instead, a trail of blood running into his eye, causing an immediate stinging sensation. He swiped at it almost angrily, seeming to realize he was bleeding for the first time.
Ryan dug in his pockets and withdrew a handkerchief. He pressed it firmly against the side of his brother’s head. Jonathan winced at the pressure, but did not draw back.
“What happened, Hockett,” Ryan repeated softly.
Jonathan was silent for so long that Ryan contemplated repeating himself yet again. But he restrained himself, knowing that Jonathan was forming his answer. As it turned out, he didn’t need to say anything. He followed his brother’s gaze over his shoulder and knew at that moment what was running through his mind.
“I miss her, too.” A full year had passed - one long year. And the healing for Jonathan had yet to begin. As hard as it was for Ryan - if he was the one that had found his sister....Jonathan had lost his sister and best friend in one heart-breaking moment. And it nearly destroyed him. It was eating him up inside, devouring the very essence of his life right before their eyes, as if Jonathan’s life was the one taken and not Erin’s. Ryan couldn’t explain it, but Jonathan always seemed to feel things more deeply and fully than the rest of the world. It made the scars all that much deeper.
Ryan loved his brother more than he could ever put into words. He cradled Jon’s head in the crook of his arm as he continued to hold pressure against the head wound. Jonathan’s chest hitched as he drew in shaky breaths. “We need to get you to the hospital.”
“No. I’ll be okay, Ryan.” His voice was small and far away.
“Hockett, you have to.”
“No,” he protested weakly. “Really, I’m fine.”
Ryan recognized Jonathan’s words of denial as the defense mechanism that they were. But his first concern was to get him off the roof and to stop the bleeding that stubbornly refused to cease. “That cut’s pretty deep. You’re going to need stitches.”
Relieved that Ryan was concentrating on the physical instead of the mental aspects of the damage inflicted, he reluctantly agreed. He struggled to stand, limp with exhaustion until Ryan’s strong grip eased him to his feet.
Amanda studied the exchange between the two brothers. She admired - and envied - their deep bond. Ryan threw her a furtive glance, loaded with meaning. She understood. Jonathan needed a quiet and inconspicuous exit. She implored the ladies of Fusion to oblige, deflecting questions she couldn’t answer.
She watched from around the corner as Ryan led Jonathan through the offices of Fusion. Jonathan’s eyes never left the ground, but Ryan’s found hers. He mouthed a silent “thank you” before the elevator doors slid home.
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“I hate being me.”
It was a such simplistic, yet direct statement that it took Ryan by surprise. There was no need to ask what his brother meant by this. Some people strolled through the plateaus of life, and others like himself seemed to climb an uphill slope, their life punctuated by peaks and valleys. But there were the misfortunate few like Jonathan that seemed to have to fight up their Mt. Everest on a daily basis. A tragic figure like that of Sisyphus struggling to push the rock up the mountain, backsliding all the way.
“Does it ever end?” It was a rhetorical question, or at least, one that Ryan did not have an answer to. “I want it to end.”
Ryan took in all of Jonathan: his wounded expression, his legs dangling over the edge of the examination table like a little boy’s, the way he hugged himself, his hands clutching at the material of the hospital gown as if he might fall apart if he let go. “Hockett, you’re scaring me.”
Jonathan’s eyes pierced his. The gaze was so intense that he literally felt the heat that radiated from them. “Sometimes I scare myself.” He averted his eyes, feeling the shame and embarrassment of his confession welling up inside of him.
“What happened up on that roof?”
“It’s over. It’s done.”
“Yeah, it could’ve been done forever.” Ryan forced his brother to focus back on him. “Is that what you had in mind?”
“What? No! No,” Jonathan protested, his face twisting into a scowl. “Did you think -“ Jonathan eyes widened in recognition. “I am not - I am NOT trying to off myself, if that’s what you’re thinking.”
Ryan shrugged. “I don’t know what to think. You’ve been in a very dark place lately and I’m worried for you. I have no idea how to help you.”
Jonathan set his jaw firmly, working the muscles ardently. “I’ll be fine.”
“Jon....”
“Really, Ryan-“
“Bullshit!” Ryan’s sharp tone caused Jonathan to snap to attention. “I don’t know how to help you,” Ryan repeated softly. “All I know is that I love you and it rips my heart out to see you like this.”
“Ryan,” Jonathan’s voice took on a pleading quality, “you have spent a large part of your life taking care of me. I’ve told you before, you don’t have to fight my battles for me. It’s time for me to fight my own battles.”
“What if this is a battle you can’t win on your own, Hockett?”
The question did not have a chance to be answered. Julia entered carrying an armload of supplies. “We have got to stop meeting like this, Jonathan.”
Julia’s attempt at cutting the palpable tension was obvious. Ryan took the opportunity to make a hasty exit. “I’ll let Julia do her thing. I’ll be back.”
Ryan nearly collided with Dr. Martin. “Ryan, I was just coming to see you.”Joe led Ryan away from the door with a fatherly hand on his arm. “Did Jonathan tell you what really happened?”
“Not exactly.” Ryan kept one eye on the window, becoming absorbed in the image before him as Julia irrigated the wound. He flashed back to the not-so-distant past as his brother lay on another hospital bed, in a similar pose, as Ryan stood over him trying to figure out how to tell him about the brain tumor. The memory was so vivid he was momentarily transported back there. This time there was a different malady affecting his brother - one that was elusive and not so easily extracted.
“Was it intentional? Do you think he’s a danger to himself?”
“I don’t know,” he admitted.
“Without concrete proof, I can’t legally keep him here. But being his next of kin, if you even suspect - well, we could keep him here for 72 hours for evaluation.”
“I can’t do that. He would freak!” Ryan shook his head adamantly. “No. No, he’d be worse off than he already is.” The fragility of Jonathan in that moment became so apparent that Ryan felt his brother should have a ‘handle with care’ sign on him. Jonathan would shatter like a piece of glass if held too tightly. Whether it was right or not, the decision was made. An idea suddenly came to mind. “Could you keep him overnight?”
Dr. Martin pondered this for a moment. “Well, I suppose we could keep him overnight for observation. Given his neurological history, it wouldn’t be much of a stretch.”
Ryan clapped him on the back. “Thanks, Joe. It’ll give me more of a chance to feel him out. See what’s going on his head.”
Joe merely nodded. “I’ll start the paperwork. And then I’ll be back to take another look at him.”
“Okay. I’ll break the news.”
Ryan pushed the door open slowly. The doctor was just finishing up the last stitch. Jonathan remained immobile, but his wary gaze pinned Ryan to the spot where he stood. “Hey, Hockett...” The doctor breezed past him without a second glance. Ryan shoved his hands deep into his pockets and attempted a light tone. “How many?”
Jonathan’s stare never faltered. “Eighteen,” he said evenly.
“Eighteen? Wow! Most I ever got was sixteen.” Ryan was stalling, delaying the inevitable. Jonathan’s eyes narrowed accusingly, aware that something was amiss.
“So am I free or did your unstable brother get committed?”
Ryan’s mouth opened in surprise. His brother’s ability to read him was uncanny. “What? No! Nobody’s committing you.”
“Dammit, Ryan, don’t lie to me!”
Ryan hoped he wasn’t as transparent as he felt.“I’m not. Nobody’s committing you. But, Joe does think it’s a good idea if you stay overnight for observation.”
“Right....no loss of consciousness, no seizures, no dizziness, not even a headache. They’re not even worried enough to get a scan. But I’m staying for observation.” The suspicion in his voice made Ryan wince.
“Well, ya know, last time you hit your head, it was like three weeks before you had a seizure.”
Jonathan nodded curtly, effectively ending the conversation. Ryan could see the resignation written all over his brother’s face. It was same look he had as a little boy when he realized there was no escaping the belt, the poison sandwiches, the....everything that was their childhood. It was utter defeat and desolation. A capitulation of the spirit.
Ryan let his head drop to hide the tears threatening in the corners of his eyes. He blinked them back and grabbed Jonathan’s hand in his own. “I’m staying. Not just tonight. All the way. You are not alone.”
Jonathan eyes fixed on the ceiling, by all appearances ignoring Ryan. But Ryan knew this wasn’t the case. The internal wrestling match was underway. Ryan couldn’t help but wonder which side would win out - the Jonathan that wanted to reach out and move past all the junk, or the one who wanted to give in and be done with it all. Jonathan’s very life depended on the outcome. One thing remained constant. “I will not leave you,” Ryan said emphatically. “Hold on to that.”
Jonathan never lowered his gaze, but the squeeze of his hand that Ryan felt was all the answer he needed.
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Amanda stepped tentatively across the threshold. The night before was washed away, dulled by the dawning of the sunlight. Jonathan was propped up in bed, facing away from her. He turned with the creaking of the door, the white bandage standing out prominently under the fluorescent lights.
“Amanda.” Jonathan’s neutral greeting caused her to hesitate at the end of the bed. He scooted over, lying on his side to make room for her beside him. She took his outstretched hand and eased herself down next to him.
“I wasn’t sure if I should come,” she confessed timidly.
“Well, I’m glad you did. After yesterday, I wouldn’t blame you if you ran screaming in the other direction.”
“I did some screaming, but run - never. Not from you.”
“You’re amazing, you know that? I don’t know why you’re still here.”
“Because I care about you.” Because I love you, was what she really wanted to say, but she didn’t know if he was in a place to return the sentiment. Asking him to would be unfair at this moment, but it would still hurt not to hear it returned.
“You deserve better than me. I treated you so badly.” He stroked her hair lovingly, a touch that sent waves of emotion coursing through her. She sat up suddenly, afraid her body would betray her feelings.
“We’ve been over this. No, you really didn’t. You were honest. I admit, that is a new concept given my lousy luck in love.”
“C’mon. There were some decent guys in there I’m sure.”
She began ticking them off one by one on her fingertips. “Let’s see....there was Jamie, but I torched the relationship.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, crash and burn all the way. There was Josh...sorta. But now he’s so far up Zach and Kendall’s ass it’s hard to see where he ends and they begin. And JR....Well, JR is just a self absorbed ass.”
Jonathan laughed, a concept foreign to him in the recent past. Amanda was grateful to see that side of him, if only for a brief moment. “And then there’s me....a screwed-up ass.”
“I don’t see you that way at all.” Amanda brushed an errant lock of hair back from his forehead and lightly traced he edge of the bandage.
“Ha! I seem to remember a time not so long ago in the courthouse that you basically compared me to your mother.”
“That didn’t come out the way I meant it and you know it.” She slapped him lightly on the arm.
“Hmmm...comparing the guy you’re dating to your mother. Sounds like a Freudian nightmare.” Jonathan’s laughter was infectious. She joined in, cherishing the sound.
It was funny the difference twenty-four hours could make. One short day ago the man before her was a completely different person, weighed down by all the pain and hurt of a lifetime. But this Jonathan - this was the Jonathan that was buried deep inside. The one that only a handful of people like herself and Ryan got to see. And one day ago she couldn’t even entertain the notion of being a mother. Now she wanted nothing more in the world. And she wanted to share that with Jonathan. She grasped his hand, tracing small circles with her thumb.
Jonathan furrowed his brow. “Why so serious all the sudden? What’s on your mind?”
“There’s something I need to tell you. I didn’t know how to tell you really.”
He cocked his head at her. “You can tell me anything. You know that.”
“Yeah.” Amanda blew out a shaky breath. “The thing is, I’m -“
Both her arms were outstretched as she raced forward. She was only vaguely aware of Kendall calling out Ryan’s name over and over like a curious mantra. Her hand brushed the material of his coat, but it slipped through her fingers as Jonathan gained enough momentum to fling himself over the lip of the ledge.
Jonathan’s head struck the edge full force, stunning him momentarily on his descent. He lay flat on the rooftop panting heavily. Amanda collapsed beside him, releasing tears of relief. He pushed himself up on shaky arms, leaning against the wall for support. He brushed the grit from his face as Amanda scooted closer to him.
“Jonathan...”
He rolled his eyes toward her, but his body remained motionless. His lungs burned as he gulped hungrily for air. Amanda waited until he regained some of his composure before addressing him again. “Are you okay?”
A short, humorless laugh was his only response. He hung his head, seemingly lost in thought while worrying an imaginary thread on his pantleg. He tilted his head sideways at her. “I don’t know.”
The raw honesty of his response surprised her. The undercurrents of emotions the held him hostage were usually kept hidden behind a thinly veiled curtain, his soulful eyes the only revelation to his innermost turmoil. Those wounded eyes bore into her now, sending daggers of sorrow coursing through her heart.
“What were you doing up here,” she asked gently. Her eye was caught by a growing pool of red collecting on his hand. He ignored it, so she did, too.
“Thinking.” he paused in reflection. “I seem to be doing a lot of that lately,” he added almost as an afterthought.
“What about?”
“Nothing. Everything,” was his enigmatic reply.
Amanda waited patiently for him to continue, laying a protective hand over her stomach instinctively. The pregnancy was forced to the recesses of her mind, forgotten in the wake of present events.
Jonathan lifted his eyes skyward as if searching for an answer. He closed them against the waning sunlight, basking in what little warmth it offered. He lowered his face and turned towards her suddenly and sharply. The deep gash in his forehead glistened with fresh blood. “Do you ever-“ His words died on his lips as he sunk back against the wall once again.
Her hand left her stomach and found its way to his arm. He jerked away from the contact unconsciously. Amanda did not take offense at a reaction that was so ingrained in him, it was second nature. Jonathan looked at her apologetically nonetheless.
“I don’t know why I do that.” He sighed. “That’s not entirely true,” he whispered more to himself. “I just wish I could stop. I’m so sick of it all.”
That last statement caused her stomach to grow sour. She had wanted to believe that the slip was just that - a slip, but now she wasn’t so sure. Her concern grew exponentially. There was no time left to confirm or deny her suspicions. Jonathan’s attention was diverted somewhere beyond her. She followed his line of sight to that of his older brother, towering above them both.
“Hockett....My God, Hockett.” Ryan knelt down in front of his younger brother gingerly. He grasped Jonathan’s hands in his own, noticing the drying blood, but not drawing attention to it. “What happened?”
Jonathan’s eyes rose to meet Ryan’s. His mouth split into a sad smile that he wore much too often. His mouth began to form the words, but no sound came out. He shook his head instead, a trail of blood running into his eye, causing an immediate stinging sensation. He swiped at it almost angrily, seeming to realize he was bleeding for the first time.
Ryan dug in his pockets and withdrew a handkerchief. He pressed it firmly against the side of his brother’s head. Jonathan winced at the pressure, but did not draw back.
“What happened, Hockett,” Ryan repeated softly.
Jonathan was silent for so long that Ryan contemplated repeating himself yet again. But he restrained himself, knowing that Jonathan was forming his answer. As it turned out, he didn’t need to say anything. He followed his brother’s gaze over his shoulder and knew at that moment what was running through his mind.
“I miss her, too.” A full year had passed - one long year. And the healing for Jonathan had yet to begin. As hard as it was for Ryan - if he was the one that had found his sister....Jonathan had lost his sister and best friend in one heart-breaking moment. And it nearly destroyed him. It was eating him up inside, devouring the very essence of his life right before their eyes, as if Jonathan’s life was the one taken and not Erin’s. Ryan couldn’t explain it, but Jonathan always seemed to feel things more deeply and fully than the rest of the world. It made the scars all that much deeper.
Ryan loved his brother more than he could ever put into words. He cradled Jon’s head in the crook of his arm as he continued to hold pressure against the head wound. Jonathan’s chest hitched as he drew in shaky breaths. “We need to get you to the hospital.”
“No. I’ll be okay, Ryan.” His voice was small and far away.
“Hockett, you have to.”
“No,” he protested weakly. “Really, I’m fine.”
Ryan recognized Jonathan’s words of denial as the defense mechanism that they were. But his first concern was to get him off the roof and to stop the bleeding that stubbornly refused to cease. “That cut’s pretty deep. You’re going to need stitches.”
Relieved that Ryan was concentrating on the physical instead of the mental aspects of the damage inflicted, he reluctantly agreed. He struggled to stand, limp with exhaustion until Ryan’s strong grip eased him to his feet.
Amanda studied the exchange between the two brothers. She admired - and envied - their deep bond. Ryan threw her a furtive glance, loaded with meaning. She understood. Jonathan needed a quiet and inconspicuous exit. She implored the ladies of Fusion to oblige, deflecting questions she couldn’t answer.
She watched from around the corner as Ryan led Jonathan through the offices of Fusion. Jonathan’s eyes never left the ground, but Ryan’s found hers. He mouthed a silent “thank you” before the elevator doors slid home.
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“I hate being me.”
It was a such simplistic, yet direct statement that it took Ryan by surprise. There was no need to ask what his brother meant by this. Some people strolled through the plateaus of life, and others like himself seemed to climb an uphill slope, their life punctuated by peaks and valleys. But there were the misfortunate few like Jonathan that seemed to have to fight up their Mt. Everest on a daily basis. A tragic figure like that of Sisyphus struggling to push the rock up the mountain, backsliding all the way.
“Does it ever end?” It was a rhetorical question, or at least, one that Ryan did not have an answer to. “I want it to end.”
Ryan took in all of Jonathan: his wounded expression, his legs dangling over the edge of the examination table like a little boy’s, the way he hugged himself, his hands clutching at the material of the hospital gown as if he might fall apart if he let go. “Hockett, you’re scaring me.”
Jonathan’s eyes pierced his. The gaze was so intense that he literally felt the heat that radiated from them. “Sometimes I scare myself.” He averted his eyes, feeling the shame and embarrassment of his confession welling up inside of him.
“What happened up on that roof?”
“It’s over. It’s done.”
“Yeah, it could’ve been done forever.” Ryan forced his brother to focus back on him. “Is that what you had in mind?”
“What? No! No,” Jonathan protested, his face twisting into a scowl. “Did you think -“ Jonathan eyes widened in recognition. “I am not - I am NOT trying to off myself, if that’s what you’re thinking.”
Ryan shrugged. “I don’t know what to think. You’ve been in a very dark place lately and I’m worried for you. I have no idea how to help you.”
Jonathan set his jaw firmly, working the muscles ardently. “I’ll be fine.”
“Jon....”
“Really, Ryan-“
“Bullshit!” Ryan’s sharp tone caused Jonathan to snap to attention. “I don’t know how to help you,” Ryan repeated softly. “All I know is that I love you and it rips my heart out to see you like this.”
“Ryan,” Jonathan’s voice took on a pleading quality, “you have spent a large part of your life taking care of me. I’ve told you before, you don’t have to fight my battles for me. It’s time for me to fight my own battles.”
“What if this is a battle you can’t win on your own, Hockett?”
The question did not have a chance to be answered. Julia entered carrying an armload of supplies. “We have got to stop meeting like this, Jonathan.”
Julia’s attempt at cutting the palpable tension was obvious. Ryan took the opportunity to make a hasty exit. “I’ll let Julia do her thing. I’ll be back.”
Ryan nearly collided with Dr. Martin. “Ryan, I was just coming to see you.”Joe led Ryan away from the door with a fatherly hand on his arm. “Did Jonathan tell you what really happened?”
“Not exactly.” Ryan kept one eye on the window, becoming absorbed in the image before him as Julia irrigated the wound. He flashed back to the not-so-distant past as his brother lay on another hospital bed, in a similar pose, as Ryan stood over him trying to figure out how to tell him about the brain tumor. The memory was so vivid he was momentarily transported back there. This time there was a different malady affecting his brother - one that was elusive and not so easily extracted.
“Was it intentional? Do you think he’s a danger to himself?”
“I don’t know,” he admitted.
“Without concrete proof, I can’t legally keep him here. But being his next of kin, if you even suspect - well, we could keep him here for 72 hours for evaluation.”
“I can’t do that. He would freak!” Ryan shook his head adamantly. “No. No, he’d be worse off than he already is.” The fragility of Jonathan in that moment became so apparent that Ryan felt his brother should have a ‘handle with care’ sign on him. Jonathan would shatter like a piece of glass if held too tightly. Whether it was right or not, the decision was made. An idea suddenly came to mind. “Could you keep him overnight?”
Dr. Martin pondered this for a moment. “Well, I suppose we could keep him overnight for observation. Given his neurological history, it wouldn’t be much of a stretch.”
Ryan clapped him on the back. “Thanks, Joe. It’ll give me more of a chance to feel him out. See what’s going on his head.”
Joe merely nodded. “I’ll start the paperwork. And then I’ll be back to take another look at him.”
“Okay. I’ll break the news.”
Ryan pushed the door open slowly. The doctor was just finishing up the last stitch. Jonathan remained immobile, but his wary gaze pinned Ryan to the spot where he stood. “Hey, Hockett...” The doctor breezed past him without a second glance. Ryan shoved his hands deep into his pockets and attempted a light tone. “How many?”
Jonathan’s stare never faltered. “Eighteen,” he said evenly.
“Eighteen? Wow! Most I ever got was sixteen.” Ryan was stalling, delaying the inevitable. Jonathan’s eyes narrowed accusingly, aware that something was amiss.
“So am I free or did your unstable brother get committed?”
Ryan’s mouth opened in surprise. His brother’s ability to read him was uncanny. “What? No! Nobody’s committing you.”
“Dammit, Ryan, don’t lie to me!”
Ryan hoped he wasn’t as transparent as he felt.“I’m not. Nobody’s committing you. But, Joe does think it’s a good idea if you stay overnight for observation.”
“Right....no loss of consciousness, no seizures, no dizziness, not even a headache. They’re not even worried enough to get a scan. But I’m staying for observation.” The suspicion in his voice made Ryan wince.
“Well, ya know, last time you hit your head, it was like three weeks before you had a seizure.”
Jonathan nodded curtly, effectively ending the conversation. Ryan could see the resignation written all over his brother’s face. It was same look he had as a little boy when he realized there was no escaping the belt, the poison sandwiches, the....everything that was their childhood. It was utter defeat and desolation. A capitulation of the spirit.
Ryan let his head drop to hide the tears threatening in the corners of his eyes. He blinked them back and grabbed Jonathan’s hand in his own. “I’m staying. Not just tonight. All the way. You are not alone.”
Jonathan eyes fixed on the ceiling, by all appearances ignoring Ryan. But Ryan knew this wasn’t the case. The internal wrestling match was underway. Ryan couldn’t help but wonder which side would win out - the Jonathan that wanted to reach out and move past all the junk, or the one who wanted to give in and be done with it all. Jonathan’s very life depended on the outcome. One thing remained constant. “I will not leave you,” Ryan said emphatically. “Hold on to that.”
Jonathan never lowered his gaze, but the squeeze of his hand that Ryan felt was all the answer he needed.
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Amanda stepped tentatively across the threshold. The night before was washed away, dulled by the dawning of the sunlight. Jonathan was propped up in bed, facing away from her. He turned with the creaking of the door, the white bandage standing out prominently under the fluorescent lights.
“Amanda.” Jonathan’s neutral greeting caused her to hesitate at the end of the bed. He scooted over, lying on his side to make room for her beside him. She took his outstretched hand and eased herself down next to him.
“I wasn’t sure if I should come,” she confessed timidly.
“Well, I’m glad you did. After yesterday, I wouldn’t blame you if you ran screaming in the other direction.”
“I did some screaming, but run - never. Not from you.”
“You’re amazing, you know that? I don’t know why you’re still here.”
“Because I care about you.” Because I love you, was what she really wanted to say, but she didn’t know if he was in a place to return the sentiment. Asking him to would be unfair at this moment, but it would still hurt not to hear it returned.
“You deserve better than me. I treated you so badly.” He stroked her hair lovingly, a touch that sent waves of emotion coursing through her. She sat up suddenly, afraid her body would betray her feelings.
“We’ve been over this. No, you really didn’t. You were honest. I admit, that is a new concept given my lousy luck in love.”
“C’mon. There were some decent guys in there I’m sure.”
She began ticking them off one by one on her fingertips. “Let’s see....there was Jamie, but I torched the relationship.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, crash and burn all the way. There was Josh...sorta. But now he’s so far up Zach and Kendall’s ass it’s hard to see where he ends and they begin. And JR....Well, JR is just a self absorbed ass.”
Jonathan laughed, a concept foreign to him in the recent past. Amanda was grateful to see that side of him, if only for a brief moment. “And then there’s me....a screwed-up ass.”
“I don’t see you that way at all.” Amanda brushed an errant lock of hair back from his forehead and lightly traced he edge of the bandage.
“Ha! I seem to remember a time not so long ago in the courthouse that you basically compared me to your mother.”
“That didn’t come out the way I meant it and you know it.” She slapped him lightly on the arm.
“Hmmm...comparing the guy you’re dating to your mother. Sounds like a Freudian nightmare.” Jonathan’s laughter was infectious. She joined in, cherishing the sound.
It was funny the difference twenty-four hours could make. One short day ago the man before her was a completely different person, weighed down by all the pain and hurt of a lifetime. But this Jonathan - this was the Jonathan that was buried deep inside. The one that only a handful of people like herself and Ryan got to see. And one day ago she couldn’t even entertain the notion of being a mother. Now she wanted nothing more in the world. And she wanted to share that with Jonathan. She grasped his hand, tracing small circles with her thumb.
Jonathan furrowed his brow. “Why so serious all the sudden? What’s on your mind?”
“There’s something I need to tell you. I didn’t know how to tell you really.”
He cocked his head at her. “You can tell me anything. You know that.”
“Yeah.” Amanda blew out a shaky breath. “The thing is, I’m -“