Post by Beth on Jul 7, 2008 18:03:51 GMT -5
The black smoke wafted up to the sky, obscuring what was left of the starlight. The flames danced hypnotically in the breeze, casting flickering shadows onto the street below. Sirens swelled far off in the distance drowning out Ryan’s anguished cries as he ran blindly towards the burning building.
Aidan and Tad caught up with him and muscled him backwards. Roped cords stood out on Ryan’s neck as he strained against their iron grips, continually calling out for his brother until his throat was raw. Firemen began to stream past him, setting up their equipment in a choreographed frenzy. The reflectors on their protective coats winked at him tauntingly in the moonlight.
Ryan broke free again momentarily, catching a firefighter by the arm. “Please....my brother’s in there. You’ve got to get him out of there.”
He gave him a sympathetic glance. “We’ll send some men in as soon as we can.” He eyed the collapsed roof with concern before leaving with a cursory, “Stay back” as he went to confer with his colleagues, calculating a way to enter the raging inferno it had now become.
Forceful sprays erupted from the hoses around them sending sooty water dripping down from above. The flames dampened and the re-emerged, stubbornly refusing to be snuffed out. The top corner of the building appeared to crumble in on itself as it too was devoured by the ravenous fire.
An invisible band wrapped around Ryan’s chest, squeezing his heart painfully and making it difficult to draw breath as the desperation took over. “Why aren’t they going in there? Why aren’t they helping him?”
Tad placed a hand on Ryan’s shoulder to steady him. “They’re trying to get the fire under control. Right now if any more men go in there, the whole thing could collapse.”
“So I’m just supposed to sit here and do nothing? No, uh-uh - I’ve got to go in there.”
“Ryan, if you go in there you might not come back out. Emma and Spike need you. Annie needs you. And if, God forbid, Jonathan is in there and he’s badly hurt, he’s going to need you,” Tad stated firmly.
This gave Ryan pause. “So I’m just supposed to sit here and do nothing,” he repeated.
“Yeah. Let the professionals handle it.”
Tad’s words were a harbinger. Loaded down with gear, several men charged into what was left of the building. Ryan’s body visibly tightened with fear at what they would find. He watched the man on the walkie-talkie intensely, searching his face for any indication of what was transpiring inside.
A new vehicle pulled up behind one of the fire trucks. The lights were pulsating with an ominous red glow. Ryan was so focused on the ambulance that he did not see one of the firemen reemerge from the still-burning building.
Aidan made his way over to him, being careful to keep his back turned to Ryan. “Have you found anything yet?”
“There wasn’t much to find. Just this.” He slipped off his glove and dug deep into his pocket and handed Aidan two items.
Aidan fingered the badly charred watch. It was still warm to the touch. His heart fell as he opened the wallet. The credit cards were melted together and the other items were badly singed, but the driver’s license behind the plastic case was still legible. It was Jonathan’s wallet. “Any sign of him?”
Instead of answering, he tilted his head in Ryan’s direction. “Is that the brother?”
“Yeah.” Aidan was growing impatient. “And he would greatly appreciate knowing if you found his brother.”
The other man shrugged uncomfortably. “Like I said, there wasn’t much to find. I really think you should get him out of here.”
Aidan had seen enough action in the jungles to understand the duplicit meaning. Ryan would not leave without putting up one hell of a fight. He did the only thing he could think of. He came up behind Ryan and tapped him on the shoulder. When Ryan turned around he landed an uppercut square on his jaw, laying him out.
“What was that for,” Tad shouted.
“Friendship,” Aidan answered simply. He showed the watch and the wallet to Tad. “He shouldn’t be here for this.”
“Oh no.”
Aidan nodded. “We’ve got to get him out of here before he starts coming to.”
Tad worked solemnly with Aidan to maneuver Ryan into the car. They drove away in silence, each locked inside their own minds. Aidan glanced in the rearview mirror. The undulating lights were still visible, but rapidly shrinking into the distance.
He caught Tad’s eyes. Both were wondering the same thing - just how in the hell they were going to break it to Ryan that his last blood relative, the brother he was closer to than anyone in the world, was not coming back to him?
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Aidan shut the door softly behind him. He had helped Tad into the hotel room with Ryan and left again to make absolutely sure that there was no way Jonathan could have made it out alive. He couldn’t bear the thought of telling Ryan, and there was a part of him that hung onto the hope that it wasn’t true. But the awful reality was - it was.
“Ryan’s still out?”
“Yeah. He hasn’t so much as moved. You must’ve knocked him a good one. “Tad crossed his legs and placed his chin on his closed fist. “Any chance this was all a big mistake.”
Aidan shook his head slowly. “I’m afraid not. There was no other known route out, and the second floor was demolished. There was nothing that could have survived up there.”
“What about the wallet and the watch?”
“They were found on the first floor. Jonathan must’ve dropped them when he was downstairs talking to Ryan.”
“There’s no way?”
“No. You were there. If Jonathan was in there - and we know he was - he...he couldn’t have...”
Ryan moaned and stirred, capturing the two men’s attention. He rubbed his jaw as his bleary eyes tried to focus. The brightness from the bedside lamp caused him to squint. Aidan leaned forward in the chair he was now sitting in, thankfully obstructing the light’s path.
“How you doing, mate?”
Ryan thought it an odd question under the circumstances. He still wasn’t completely cognizant until he caught the uneasiness in the shifting of Aidan’s eyes. Ryan sat bolt upright, the past few hours flooding back unrelentingly. “Jonathan! Oh my God...where is my brother? What happened?”
Tad moved into view, sitting down on the edge of the bed. “Ryan...”
“Why are we sitting in this hotel room? Why aren’t we still looking for Jonathan?” His heart failed to believe what his head already knew to be true.
The light flickered as Aidan changed positions. “Ryan. Mate...”
Ryan’s head swayed from side to side. “No. No. No, don’t say it, Aidan. I’m begging you. Don’t say it.”
“I’m so sorry, Ryan. Jonathan didn’t make it.”
His heart literally stopped beating for several long, drawn out seconds. He blew out a shaky breath trying to process the words that reverberated in his head. Ryan gulped and tried to swallow around the thickness in his throat. “Jonathan’s...he’s...”
Aidan sighed forlornly. He knew Ryan needed to hear the words so there was no doubt, but he was loathe to speak them. Saying them out loud would make it real, bring to it a finality he could not take back. He nearly choked on the words as they left his mouth. “I’m so sorry, Ryan. Jonathan’s dead.”
Ryan’s face crumpled, the lower lip quivering in a fashion reminiscent of his brother. His head slowly lowered into his hands, the only other movement the slight hitching of his chest. After only a few moments he composed himself, the grief replaced with his usual stoicism. “I want to see Jonathan.”
“I wish you could, mate, but you can’t.”
“What do you mean I can’t?” Ryan’s grief was replaced by indignation. “He’s my brother. I have a right to see him. Take me to him.”
Tad looked upwards as if searching for a miracle, but there were no miracles here. “There’s um...there’s nothing to see. I’m not sure how to say this, but the explosion...”
“So there’s no body? Then how can you say he’s dead?” Ryan was shouting now. “How can you sit there and tell me my brother is dead if no one can find his body? He could have easily gotten out.”
“Ryan, the second floor was completely demolished. The windows were nailed shut. The fire escape was unusable, and he didn’t come out the front door. There was no other way out. I wish it wasn’t the case, but it is.”
“So that’s what we’re basing it on? Jonathan’s resourceful. He could’ve -“
”No, he couldn’t.” Aidan removed two items from a plastic bag and placed them in front of Ryan. He removed another item from a second bag that was recovered from the alleyway.
Ryan stared at all three, in stark contrast to the bedspread. He picked up the one closest to him. He traced the dial of Jonathan’s watch with the tip of his finger. The metal was warped and bent out of shape. Ryan placed the watch down and lifted up the wallet, opening it carefully. He gently touched the singed license, letting his finger linger a moment on the photo on the driver’s license. He took a deep breath before reaching for the third object. The pages were blackened and he acrid smell of smoke still lingered, but there was no mistaking Erin’s diary. Jonathan would have not left it behind voluntarily. He had nearly fallen off a building to keep from losing the last tie to his sister.
The denial gave way to the shock of disbelief. “He’s really gone.” Ryan couldn’t stop his voice from cracking anymore than he could prevent the hot tears that sprung to the corners of his eyes. A small spark of hope slipped through. “Are you - are they sure?”
“They’re sure.”
Ryan clasped the diary in both hands and bowed his head, ignoring the ashy smell that emanated from it. He whispered one word, repeating it over and over, it leaving his lips as reverently as a prayer. “Jonathan...”
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“Thank you, Julia. I really appreciate you taking Emma for a couple days.” Annie gathered a few bags together and set them by the door. She glanced up the stairs making sure Emma was still out of earshot.
“I just wish I could do more. I still can’t believe it.”
“Neither can I.” Annie struggled to keep here voice even. “I explained it to Emma, but I’m not really sure she entirely understands that he’s never coming back.”
“Kids can surprise you.”
“Yeah. And listen, if she has any problems, please call me. I hate sending her off, but I know Ryan’s not in good shape at all.”
“Hey, it’s no problem. I’m happy to do it. And Kathy will love it. If there’s anything else I can do, don’t hesitate to call.”
“Thanks, Julia.” Annie went upstairs to retrieve Emma leaving Julia to take in the Penthouse.
She wondered over to the bookcase, smiling at a picture of Emma and Kathy. The two girls had been inseparable from the moment they laid eyes on one another. The next picture captured a precious family moment, Emma’s eyes shining with happiness from her position between Annie and Ryan. In the last picture Emma was simply beaming, clearly at ease in her Uncle Jon’s arms. Julia felt a surprising tug at her heart strings. She never thought in a million years she’d develop a friendship with the man who had murdered her brother-in-law.
Years later, as he strove to right all the wrongs and put back together the pieces of his life, she couldn’t help but respect and admire him. There was a mixture of pity and sadness for all he had been through, and of pride too on her part, that she may have helped in some small way as he struggled through the brain-damaged mire to rebuild his life.
“That was after our teddy bear picnic.”
Julia gasped and nearly dropped the picture. She hadn’t heard the pair descend the steps. Julia started to place the photograph in its home, but Emma reached for it.
“Can I take it with me, mommy?”
“Of course, sweetie.”
Julia handed her the photograph and Emma hugged it to her. “Mommy says Uncle Jon went to Heaven.”
Julia knelt down. “Yes, he did, Emma. I’m so sorry. I know you must miss him.”
Emma studied the floor, having broached a subject she clearly wasn’t comfortable with. “I wanna see Kathy now.”
“Okay.” Annie gave her a peck on the cheek and whispered reassuring words before Julia led her to the door. As they passed through the doorway, Emma turned to face her mother. “Does Daddy miss Uncle Jon, too?”
“Yes, sweetie.” Annie could no longer keep the tears in check, turning slightly to hide them from Emma. “He misses him very much.”
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Ryan hesitated outside the door to his Penthouse, stalling the inevitable onslaught of memories and questions he didn’t have the answers to. He took a deep breath and ran his hand over the edge of the doorframe searching for the extra key, his copy lost amidst the chaos of the last forty-eight hours.
The door opened to his home, but it seemed foreign to him. His coat was where he had left it, the furniture hadn’t been rearranged, not one thing was out of place, but yet there was one glaring difference. There was a void before him and within him, a gaping hole, that could never be filled again.
Annie rounded the corner, gazing at him with red-rimmed eyes. The edges around her were softened, lending to the surreal, dream-like state he was drifting in. He rubbed a hand along his unshaven jaw, the only concrete thing anchoring him to the present.
His wife crossed the room and embraced him. She held onto him silently. There were no words she could offer that would stem the hurt. They would only be empty platitudes.
“I, um...I told Aidan and Tad not to come up. I just needed some time.” Ryan spoke first, answering the unasked question.
“Do you want me to leave you alone?”
“No. No, I just want to hold you right now.” Annie nodded against his chest to indicate she wasn’t going anywhere. “Does Emma know?”
Annie pulled back a bit. “Yeah. Yeah, I told her.” It was her turn to answer an unspoken question. “Julia took her for a sleep over with Kathy. I figured it would do both of you some good.”
“You’re amazing, you know that?”
“So, are you, Ryan.”
“I don’t feel so amazing right now.” Annie looked at him quizzically. He was in no mood to explain, but he attempted to anyway. “I failed Jonathan again. And this time he’s dead because of it.”
“Ryan, you are not responsible. How could you have possibly known that this is where everything would lead? You couldn’t have prevented it.”
“But that’s the thing. I did see the signs. Jonathan was spiraling downwards for months. I thought...I don’t know...for a while I thought he just needed to grieve for Erin. But then he nearly took a header off the Fusion rooftop. “Annie looked mildly surprised at the revelation but didn’t interrupt.
“The things he was saying...Then the nightmares started - or got worse. The disappearing acts...I should have done something.”
“You are not to blame,” Annie said emphatically.
“I know better than anyone that you can’t out run your past. It catches up with you and you’re powerless to stop it. I should have-“
This time Annie did cut him off. “Ryan, you did a lot for Jonathan. There was nothing that you did or didn’t do that could have changed the course of things.”
“It wasn’t enough.” Ryan bit his lip to repress the tears. “I did everything that I could think of, but I couldn’t save him. I loved him so much, but it wasn’t enough.”
Annie didn’t know how much more her heart could take. It broke for her husband that could not shake the guilt of a brother left behind to be tormented sadistic father, and for her brother-in-law that she cared for so dearly that had ultimately succumbed to the demons of the past. Both had suffered a lifetime of pain, peppered only by short intervals of happiness, ultimately ending in tragedy. She chose her next words carefully, hoping they could bring a little comfort, however naive that thought was. “Jonathan knew how much you loved him.”
“That was the last thing I ever said to him, ya know. I begged him to come home with me. I told him I loved him.”
“And he loved you too - so much. You have to hang on to that.”
Ryan struggled to gain composure. “Those were his last words to me - ‘I love you, Ryan’.” Ryan replayed those words in his mind as he watched his brother’s face be swallowed up by the shadows. The small, sad smile on Jonathan’s lips wasn’t enough to mask the pain that he always carried inside.
As the image faded with agonizing slowness from his mind, Ryan sat in his living room answering the memory. “I love you, too, Hockett.” Now the tears really did come.
Aidan and Tad caught up with him and muscled him backwards. Roped cords stood out on Ryan’s neck as he strained against their iron grips, continually calling out for his brother until his throat was raw. Firemen began to stream past him, setting up their equipment in a choreographed frenzy. The reflectors on their protective coats winked at him tauntingly in the moonlight.
Ryan broke free again momentarily, catching a firefighter by the arm. “Please....my brother’s in there. You’ve got to get him out of there.”
He gave him a sympathetic glance. “We’ll send some men in as soon as we can.” He eyed the collapsed roof with concern before leaving with a cursory, “Stay back” as he went to confer with his colleagues, calculating a way to enter the raging inferno it had now become.
Forceful sprays erupted from the hoses around them sending sooty water dripping down from above. The flames dampened and the re-emerged, stubbornly refusing to be snuffed out. The top corner of the building appeared to crumble in on itself as it too was devoured by the ravenous fire.
An invisible band wrapped around Ryan’s chest, squeezing his heart painfully and making it difficult to draw breath as the desperation took over. “Why aren’t they going in there? Why aren’t they helping him?”
Tad placed a hand on Ryan’s shoulder to steady him. “They’re trying to get the fire under control. Right now if any more men go in there, the whole thing could collapse.”
“So I’m just supposed to sit here and do nothing? No, uh-uh - I’ve got to go in there.”
“Ryan, if you go in there you might not come back out. Emma and Spike need you. Annie needs you. And if, God forbid, Jonathan is in there and he’s badly hurt, he’s going to need you,” Tad stated firmly.
This gave Ryan pause. “So I’m just supposed to sit here and do nothing,” he repeated.
“Yeah. Let the professionals handle it.”
Tad’s words were a harbinger. Loaded down with gear, several men charged into what was left of the building. Ryan’s body visibly tightened with fear at what they would find. He watched the man on the walkie-talkie intensely, searching his face for any indication of what was transpiring inside.
A new vehicle pulled up behind one of the fire trucks. The lights were pulsating with an ominous red glow. Ryan was so focused on the ambulance that he did not see one of the firemen reemerge from the still-burning building.
Aidan made his way over to him, being careful to keep his back turned to Ryan. “Have you found anything yet?”
“There wasn’t much to find. Just this.” He slipped off his glove and dug deep into his pocket and handed Aidan two items.
Aidan fingered the badly charred watch. It was still warm to the touch. His heart fell as he opened the wallet. The credit cards were melted together and the other items were badly singed, but the driver’s license behind the plastic case was still legible. It was Jonathan’s wallet. “Any sign of him?”
Instead of answering, he tilted his head in Ryan’s direction. “Is that the brother?”
“Yeah.” Aidan was growing impatient. “And he would greatly appreciate knowing if you found his brother.”
The other man shrugged uncomfortably. “Like I said, there wasn’t much to find. I really think you should get him out of here.”
Aidan had seen enough action in the jungles to understand the duplicit meaning. Ryan would not leave without putting up one hell of a fight. He did the only thing he could think of. He came up behind Ryan and tapped him on the shoulder. When Ryan turned around he landed an uppercut square on his jaw, laying him out.
“What was that for,” Tad shouted.
“Friendship,” Aidan answered simply. He showed the watch and the wallet to Tad. “He shouldn’t be here for this.”
“Oh no.”
Aidan nodded. “We’ve got to get him out of here before he starts coming to.”
Tad worked solemnly with Aidan to maneuver Ryan into the car. They drove away in silence, each locked inside their own minds. Aidan glanced in the rearview mirror. The undulating lights were still visible, but rapidly shrinking into the distance.
He caught Tad’s eyes. Both were wondering the same thing - just how in the hell they were going to break it to Ryan that his last blood relative, the brother he was closer to than anyone in the world, was not coming back to him?
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Aidan shut the door softly behind him. He had helped Tad into the hotel room with Ryan and left again to make absolutely sure that there was no way Jonathan could have made it out alive. He couldn’t bear the thought of telling Ryan, and there was a part of him that hung onto the hope that it wasn’t true. But the awful reality was - it was.
“Ryan’s still out?”
“Yeah. He hasn’t so much as moved. You must’ve knocked him a good one. “Tad crossed his legs and placed his chin on his closed fist. “Any chance this was all a big mistake.”
Aidan shook his head slowly. “I’m afraid not. There was no other known route out, and the second floor was demolished. There was nothing that could have survived up there.”
“What about the wallet and the watch?”
“They were found on the first floor. Jonathan must’ve dropped them when he was downstairs talking to Ryan.”
“There’s no way?”
“No. You were there. If Jonathan was in there - and we know he was - he...he couldn’t have...”
Ryan moaned and stirred, capturing the two men’s attention. He rubbed his jaw as his bleary eyes tried to focus. The brightness from the bedside lamp caused him to squint. Aidan leaned forward in the chair he was now sitting in, thankfully obstructing the light’s path.
“How you doing, mate?”
Ryan thought it an odd question under the circumstances. He still wasn’t completely cognizant until he caught the uneasiness in the shifting of Aidan’s eyes. Ryan sat bolt upright, the past few hours flooding back unrelentingly. “Jonathan! Oh my God...where is my brother? What happened?”
Tad moved into view, sitting down on the edge of the bed. “Ryan...”
“Why are we sitting in this hotel room? Why aren’t we still looking for Jonathan?” His heart failed to believe what his head already knew to be true.
The light flickered as Aidan changed positions. “Ryan. Mate...”
Ryan’s head swayed from side to side. “No. No. No, don’t say it, Aidan. I’m begging you. Don’t say it.”
“I’m so sorry, Ryan. Jonathan didn’t make it.”
His heart literally stopped beating for several long, drawn out seconds. He blew out a shaky breath trying to process the words that reverberated in his head. Ryan gulped and tried to swallow around the thickness in his throat. “Jonathan’s...he’s...”
Aidan sighed forlornly. He knew Ryan needed to hear the words so there was no doubt, but he was loathe to speak them. Saying them out loud would make it real, bring to it a finality he could not take back. He nearly choked on the words as they left his mouth. “I’m so sorry, Ryan. Jonathan’s dead.”
Ryan’s face crumpled, the lower lip quivering in a fashion reminiscent of his brother. His head slowly lowered into his hands, the only other movement the slight hitching of his chest. After only a few moments he composed himself, the grief replaced with his usual stoicism. “I want to see Jonathan.”
“I wish you could, mate, but you can’t.”
“What do you mean I can’t?” Ryan’s grief was replaced by indignation. “He’s my brother. I have a right to see him. Take me to him.”
Tad looked upwards as if searching for a miracle, but there were no miracles here. “There’s um...there’s nothing to see. I’m not sure how to say this, but the explosion...”
“So there’s no body? Then how can you say he’s dead?” Ryan was shouting now. “How can you sit there and tell me my brother is dead if no one can find his body? He could have easily gotten out.”
“Ryan, the second floor was completely demolished. The windows were nailed shut. The fire escape was unusable, and he didn’t come out the front door. There was no other way out. I wish it wasn’t the case, but it is.”
“So that’s what we’re basing it on? Jonathan’s resourceful. He could’ve -“
”No, he couldn’t.” Aidan removed two items from a plastic bag and placed them in front of Ryan. He removed another item from a second bag that was recovered from the alleyway.
Ryan stared at all three, in stark contrast to the bedspread. He picked up the one closest to him. He traced the dial of Jonathan’s watch with the tip of his finger. The metal was warped and bent out of shape. Ryan placed the watch down and lifted up the wallet, opening it carefully. He gently touched the singed license, letting his finger linger a moment on the photo on the driver’s license. He took a deep breath before reaching for the third object. The pages were blackened and he acrid smell of smoke still lingered, but there was no mistaking Erin’s diary. Jonathan would have not left it behind voluntarily. He had nearly fallen off a building to keep from losing the last tie to his sister.
The denial gave way to the shock of disbelief. “He’s really gone.” Ryan couldn’t stop his voice from cracking anymore than he could prevent the hot tears that sprung to the corners of his eyes. A small spark of hope slipped through. “Are you - are they sure?”
“They’re sure.”
Ryan clasped the diary in both hands and bowed his head, ignoring the ashy smell that emanated from it. He whispered one word, repeating it over and over, it leaving his lips as reverently as a prayer. “Jonathan...”
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“Thank you, Julia. I really appreciate you taking Emma for a couple days.” Annie gathered a few bags together and set them by the door. She glanced up the stairs making sure Emma was still out of earshot.
“I just wish I could do more. I still can’t believe it.”
“Neither can I.” Annie struggled to keep here voice even. “I explained it to Emma, but I’m not really sure she entirely understands that he’s never coming back.”
“Kids can surprise you.”
“Yeah. And listen, if she has any problems, please call me. I hate sending her off, but I know Ryan’s not in good shape at all.”
“Hey, it’s no problem. I’m happy to do it. And Kathy will love it. If there’s anything else I can do, don’t hesitate to call.”
“Thanks, Julia.” Annie went upstairs to retrieve Emma leaving Julia to take in the Penthouse.
She wondered over to the bookcase, smiling at a picture of Emma and Kathy. The two girls had been inseparable from the moment they laid eyes on one another. The next picture captured a precious family moment, Emma’s eyes shining with happiness from her position between Annie and Ryan. In the last picture Emma was simply beaming, clearly at ease in her Uncle Jon’s arms. Julia felt a surprising tug at her heart strings. She never thought in a million years she’d develop a friendship with the man who had murdered her brother-in-law.
Years later, as he strove to right all the wrongs and put back together the pieces of his life, she couldn’t help but respect and admire him. There was a mixture of pity and sadness for all he had been through, and of pride too on her part, that she may have helped in some small way as he struggled through the brain-damaged mire to rebuild his life.
“That was after our teddy bear picnic.”
Julia gasped and nearly dropped the picture. She hadn’t heard the pair descend the steps. Julia started to place the photograph in its home, but Emma reached for it.
“Can I take it with me, mommy?”
“Of course, sweetie.”
Julia handed her the photograph and Emma hugged it to her. “Mommy says Uncle Jon went to Heaven.”
Julia knelt down. “Yes, he did, Emma. I’m so sorry. I know you must miss him.”
Emma studied the floor, having broached a subject she clearly wasn’t comfortable with. “I wanna see Kathy now.”
“Okay.” Annie gave her a peck on the cheek and whispered reassuring words before Julia led her to the door. As they passed through the doorway, Emma turned to face her mother. “Does Daddy miss Uncle Jon, too?”
“Yes, sweetie.” Annie could no longer keep the tears in check, turning slightly to hide them from Emma. “He misses him very much.”
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Ryan hesitated outside the door to his Penthouse, stalling the inevitable onslaught of memories and questions he didn’t have the answers to. He took a deep breath and ran his hand over the edge of the doorframe searching for the extra key, his copy lost amidst the chaos of the last forty-eight hours.
The door opened to his home, but it seemed foreign to him. His coat was where he had left it, the furniture hadn’t been rearranged, not one thing was out of place, but yet there was one glaring difference. There was a void before him and within him, a gaping hole, that could never be filled again.
Annie rounded the corner, gazing at him with red-rimmed eyes. The edges around her were softened, lending to the surreal, dream-like state he was drifting in. He rubbed a hand along his unshaven jaw, the only concrete thing anchoring him to the present.
His wife crossed the room and embraced him. She held onto him silently. There were no words she could offer that would stem the hurt. They would only be empty platitudes.
“I, um...I told Aidan and Tad not to come up. I just needed some time.” Ryan spoke first, answering the unasked question.
“Do you want me to leave you alone?”
“No. No, I just want to hold you right now.” Annie nodded against his chest to indicate she wasn’t going anywhere. “Does Emma know?”
Annie pulled back a bit. “Yeah. Yeah, I told her.” It was her turn to answer an unspoken question. “Julia took her for a sleep over with Kathy. I figured it would do both of you some good.”
“You’re amazing, you know that?”
“So, are you, Ryan.”
“I don’t feel so amazing right now.” Annie looked at him quizzically. He was in no mood to explain, but he attempted to anyway. “I failed Jonathan again. And this time he’s dead because of it.”
“Ryan, you are not responsible. How could you have possibly known that this is where everything would lead? You couldn’t have prevented it.”
“But that’s the thing. I did see the signs. Jonathan was spiraling downwards for months. I thought...I don’t know...for a while I thought he just needed to grieve for Erin. But then he nearly took a header off the Fusion rooftop. “Annie looked mildly surprised at the revelation but didn’t interrupt.
“The things he was saying...Then the nightmares started - or got worse. The disappearing acts...I should have done something.”
“You are not to blame,” Annie said emphatically.
“I know better than anyone that you can’t out run your past. It catches up with you and you’re powerless to stop it. I should have-“
This time Annie did cut him off. “Ryan, you did a lot for Jonathan. There was nothing that you did or didn’t do that could have changed the course of things.”
“It wasn’t enough.” Ryan bit his lip to repress the tears. “I did everything that I could think of, but I couldn’t save him. I loved him so much, but it wasn’t enough.”
Annie didn’t know how much more her heart could take. It broke for her husband that could not shake the guilt of a brother left behind to be tormented sadistic father, and for her brother-in-law that she cared for so dearly that had ultimately succumbed to the demons of the past. Both had suffered a lifetime of pain, peppered only by short intervals of happiness, ultimately ending in tragedy. She chose her next words carefully, hoping they could bring a little comfort, however naive that thought was. “Jonathan knew how much you loved him.”
“That was the last thing I ever said to him, ya know. I begged him to come home with me. I told him I loved him.”
“And he loved you too - so much. You have to hang on to that.”
Ryan struggled to gain composure. “Those were his last words to me - ‘I love you, Ryan’.” Ryan replayed those words in his mind as he watched his brother’s face be swallowed up by the shadows. The small, sad smile on Jonathan’s lips wasn’t enough to mask the pain that he always carried inside.
As the image faded with agonizing slowness from his mind, Ryan sat in his living room answering the memory. “I love you, too, Hockett.” Now the tears really did come.